her situation

it's always been difficult to breathe. it's always been hard to wait for the crack of dawn to hit her face. she twirls and gleams in the sunlight but at night, she weeps. beautiful. she's beautiful, yet she questions the surface. she dwells upon question marks and silence. she flies over sparks and glides over outreached hands. misery loves company but misery's been the only company in her bed. she knows the facets of loneliness so well. she knows them too well. different mornings waking up to different faces but it's always been the same routine. but she still twirls and gleams. she still spins for the world to see.

wolf

I would kill to be 
Your clothes
Cling to your body
And hang from your bones
And I can make a mark
If you would let me start

You’ve been feeling smaller
Take a different number
Like you do, like you do
When you talk about it 
You don’t want to hear it
Tell me more, tell it all, can you take it

I would kill to be the cold
Tracing your body
And shaking your bones
But I can’t sleep at night

downtown

sometimes i wish that these shadows would just disappear. that the light would just go out. that the bulb would burst and crack. just so these dark figures and silhouettes would disappear and stop haunting me. they’re always out to get me. always plotting something sinister. these trains of deep thoughts run down the same railroad and they never make the turn to leave my soul. i want to be at peace. i want to be at ease. am i ever? will the aching cease? or will i rather come to terms with the fact that i will always be hurting? anything to make this numb. anything to make it stop. i want it to stop. i want to stop.

the other side of the door

this heart pumps more than just blood. these veins carry love, hope, worries, prayers that they would continue to carry on, and frequent requests to stop functioning overall. these past few days have been filled to the brim with nothing but grief and pure insanity. i was never good with handling racing thoughts. racing heartbeats. i never was able to fully comprehend the workings of my mind. my thoughts kept intertwining with the fantasies of my heart, choking and gripping my soul. reality kept puncturing holes throughout my head. work work work. go out. study. eat. whatever it took to keep the monsters away. whatever it took for them to stop eating away at my mind. they're after me and they're out to get me, emily. and this whole time, for three weeks, i was scrambling on my knees looking for reasons and excuses to stay. but now that the cat's out of the bag, they're out to take me down. and the worst part is that i just got up. emily, i just started running.

all i see

words. she looked for the right words. the perfect verbs and tenses to fit into the tight spaces of the compact sentence that she saw as her statement. her confession. she loved the idea of falling. "everything that goes up always comes down. they always have an ending. nothing can defy the laws of physics" and that's all she ever really wanted. an ending. a conclusion. from time to time, i'd find her pacing back and forth on the top of her apartment building in the middle of the night. no matter how deep the glass under her feet dug into her, she'd spend the whole night taking in every single minute and second, diving into the what if's and possibilities. she found it inconceivable for her to even think about having closure. she used to tell me about how badly she wanted to be like the wind. to be able to go wherever the world took her. carefree and content. here today and gone tomorrow. she wanted to disappear and one day, she did. they found her body in the parking lot of her apartment building with beautiful shades of red surrounding her. she was carefree and she was content. she found closure. she fell.

bravery

and just like that, it's gone. i trust you. i hope that this strikes you from the depths of your heart. the twelve feet deep ends of your mind and the never-ending veins that keep you alive. it's only been a short matter of time yet it feels like we've come so close to comfort. i understand you. i feel you. i've never treasured time or looked at it as anything of value until i began to spend it with you. i love you? i like you? regardless of whatever those words mean, the emotions and feelings speak so much more. my heart feels so much more than what's said. talk is cheap. words are useless. as much as a person could mean them, as much as you and i could mean the things that we let slip past our lips, they hold nothing of intimate value to either of us until our actions prove their authenticity. i never thought it'd come this far and i still find it hard to accept that i belong to someone. i belong to you. i belong with you. i belong. i finally belong. that's all i ever really wanted.

julien pacaud