i gave you my all.

every now and then comes a new season. i never knew that i would fall this hard. fall so deeply into these sheets, drenched with shades of red. it was pure murder from the way i recall it. it was beautiful. how swiftly your hands went across her chest and down her stomach. dramatic and traumatic, i tell you. when tragedy and beauty collided, i found you, cupped in the hands of trouble beneath the bridge i burned. i was never the one to stay, but i stayed for you. it was your turn to catch because i fell this time.

bears.

now that my break is coming to an end, i can feel my laziness slowly sinking back into me. march is going to be by far the most difficult and arduous month. no breaks. no days off. terrible. just terrible. hannah came over today for the millionth time and we went out to take pictures. something about the lens flare in these photos strikes an emotion in me. i don't know what it is, but it feels strange. it feels good. i know it's a little late for me to say this, but something about this year, 2012, makes me feel good. something about it makes me feel secure and assured. i can't get my fingers around the reason why, but i know that i am safe.

monsters.

sometimes, i let these words flow straight from my head through my fingers. i paint these beautiful works of art. i draw masterpieces. i write wonderful paragraphs. lines. sentences. but no words, no painting, no drawing will ever describe anything that i am ever feeling. that is why i am constantly sitting in front of my moleskine. that is why i am constantly contemplating on what else to draw or paint when i am sitting on my stool in front of my canvas. it's absurd to me that i can never get these monsters in my head to come out. they beg to be released and i try so hard to let them run swiftly through my fingers, but they run. they run far away from the edge of my nails. they run into the doors of my heart and they lock them shut. i find it difficult to show my true colors. i become uneasy and anxious. i let my angst grip my throat. but you, you brought out the best in me. with you, i was naked. nude. vulnerable. i let down my walls. with you, i saw the dust form on my easel and my paintbrushes darken with old dried out paint. when i was with you, these monsters ceased to exist because the biggest one took over. love took over.

ghost in the walls.

does it make sense to say that i can't seem to understand anything at all anymore? from the way your body was positioned every morning to your every action, i couldn't seem to see through you like the way i used to. your poise, your stance, your elegance. i couldn't comprehend you at all. i wasn't able to comprehend. the violet and blue highways drawn so meticulously up and down your body were even brighter than before. the olive tone of your clear skin fell into shades of ivory. your body radiated a new kind of heat. a new kind of emotion. i fell hard, emily. i fell deep. i took my chances. i was going to take my steps up and down that rope, but you took it and tied that damn noose around your neck. emily, if you were still here, i'd tell you how much you meant. how many wounds you left on my heart. on my wrists. on my stomach. on my thighs. i wish you'd stop telling me to come out on that ledge with you. i will never go down the way you did. i will never come through.

i saw you in my sleep

my life has now become a routine. eat, study, drink coffee, listen to music, play guitar, go to the city, sleep, repeat. everything seems so dull and in grayscale. everything tastes so bland. everything sounds monotone. everything feels smooth. no detail to feel. no bumps to slide my hand over. it feels like i'm slowly losing my grip. i am becoming more and more indifferent towards the things that i never thought would lose value to me. it scares me, but i'm beginning to understand that it is all happening for the better.

i have been slowly getting into la dispute these days.

they are a mixture of spoken word and screamo.

such a strange sound yet so beautiful.

i am falling in love with them.

north and south.

i am certain that there was a story behind my attraction to you. i am certain that there was a reason. maybe it was the tenderness of your cheeks or the warmth of your skin against mine. or could it have been the friction between between our hands? the compression of your forehead pressed against mine? maybe we were being the presumptuous people we are by assuming our ridges would match in perfection. the strong mountains of your structure had no place on the dunes and slopes of my body, but i believe that that is why we were impeccable. we were perfect in our imperfections. these magnetic fields between us were never things to be ignored, handsome. you and i both knew that. you and i were both aware. we were absolute in every way possible.

heads spinning like carousels.

maybe there's a reason as to why i'm feeling this way. just maybe these complicated pieces all have places in this puzzle. maybe i have a place in this world. and maybe, just maybe, this is what i am made for: to love. indifferent towards the amount of hate that's heaped onto my back, maybe i am made to love regardless. to show what love is like to the unloved. maybe i am letting all these cold-hearted bastards get to me. i'm letting their darkness seep into my heart, but we all know light will always overrule the dark. the light will always pierce through any blackness. His light will shine through me and for once, maybe i am okay. just maybe, there is a possibility that i am actually alright. that i am safe. just maybe.

the main dish.

sometimes, i have this small urge to push these pills down my throat. it fascinates me to know that this god made it so easy for us to end our own lives. how easy it is for me to walk to the middle of that bridge and jump. i am grateful. i am grateful for the power that He’s blessed me with. i am grateful that i am fully capable of sliding this blade across my wrists and covering my bathroom in beautiful shades of red. shades of beauty. i am grateful for my body, how easily it can be destroyed. i am grateful for my heart, how easily it can stop pumping life into me. i am grateful that i possess the ability to rip out my veins and tie them around my neck. i am grateful because in this very moment, i am choosing to live. i will push these 7 pills back into my drawer because i am here to stay. i am grateful.

i admire everything about street art.

it brings life into the environment.

simply beautiful.

baby blue.

i will never let myself lose to them. i will never let myself fall. i will never let myself become weak. i have taught myself how to be strong. i have learned that i do not need anyone. i do not need your hands to lift me up. i have the strength to get up, brush the dirt off my knees, and smile. i do not need a relationship to bring me satisfaction. i do not need friends to know what trust is. i do not need anyone. don't tell me how arrogant i am, how my head is full of hot air, or how i will end up being lonely because it all goes through one ear and out the other. none of you know what it feels like to be left behind. none of you know what it feels like to be kicked in the ribs and have your heart ripped out of your own chest. none of you know what it felt like when his hands touched me in areas that i had no control over. none of you knew, know, or will ever know anything about me.

i am due for a miracle.

if i ever were to go back in time, i wouldn't change anything. from time to time, i contemplate these regrets and i swallow them. i swallow them and they sit in my stomach until i throw them back up. is it cliche to say that just maybe these were all bits and pieces of the almighty plan that the Son has paved for me? that just maybe the stars are aligned the way they are for a reason? it's all so surreal to me. how the sun keeps its promise to never burn out. how the rainbow comes and follows the footsteps of every raindrop. how easy it is for my faith to waver and fall of that narrow path. it's only a matter of time when i run back home, where my Father sits and waits for me. i don't think i'll ever be able to comprehend the amount of love that was bestowed upon me that day. sometimes, i get frustrated with myself and i let my tears soak the mask i wear every day. i succeed at fooling everyone, but i can never deceive Him. He knows everything about me. He knows the exact location of every freckle, hair, and blemish on my body. i can't escape this love and i don't think i'll ever be able to understand the work of His grace. there is no need to regret anything if this is His plan. i exist for one reason: Him.

and what if?

sometimes i wish i could give you more than a simple answer. i wish i could pull out the right words to say right out of my body and spill them onto the floor between us. i contemplate over the what if's and end up drowning these pages under the ocean that my eyes create so effortlessly. i let my anxiety build its home within me and i let it consume me. i wish things were different. sometimes, i wish it played out differently.

Josef Sudek

something about his photography brings me comfort, peace, and anxiety all at the same time.

strange. very strange indeed.