new years.

2011 consisted of nothing but hard work, sweat, and blood. it was a year of harvesting and investing my sweet time into SATs and college applications. i've accomplished so many things throughout this year and it's feels bittersweet to leave it all behind. knowing that in 2012 i'll be entering the new and unknown grounds of college makes me wonder if it'll be just as hard as this year was. nonetheless, i'm looking forward to the many blessings and tribulations that are to come over me this year. i fully believe that the trials that i am facing right now and the trials that i will face in the year of 2012 will help me mature spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. i've composed a list of my new year's resolutions. here they are:

1. start spending more time with God and less time with the world and its secular things.
2. love Jesus and i mean actually love Him with all of your heart.
3. study hard. recover from senioritis asap!!
4. write more. draw more. paint more. do more than just facebook, blogspot, twitter, etc.
5. eat healthy. don't binge on fast food too much.
6. stay optimistic about everything.
7. stop worrying.

79

well hello again. it's been too long. after coming back from the retreat, i realized the insane amount of work that's been sitting on my desk for the past week now. AP Psychology chapter test, 4 college applications, AP Literature project, etc. and i thought senior year would be a breeze. if anything, i'm glad to say that i've grown so much spiritually over the 4 days that i spent at the retreat. it feels great to know that God is still deeply and so passionately in love with me and who i am becoming.

nevertheless, AJ bought me a ramones tshirt for christmas!

although it's a bit big on me, i am in love with it.

i hope you all enjoyed the holidays.

looking forward to new years!

countdown: 2 days.

All the people answered, “His blood is on us and on our children!”

His blood is on me.

78

i've come to realize how distrustful i am. i feel like i can't confide in anyone after him. i feel like everyone just screws me over in the end. is it wrong to say that people should work for my trust and that i don't give it out as freely as i used to? i know it's so cliche to say that i can't trust anyone as easily anymore, but is it still cliche if i really mean it?

and i am home

it was easy running away from Him.
i simply just left.
freedom, at last.
i thought.
but i was wrong.
heart wrenching.
heart broken.
heart breaking.
that was Him.
indulging myself in cancerous habits,
dangerous habits.
lethal, i tell you.
but i came around.
His love is something that i can never avoid.
the taste of His love is incomparable
i came around
and He was waiting
all this time, waiting.
heart broken, but waiting.
i came around
and i am home

eva eun-sil han

something about her artwork brings out a sense of darkness.

brilliant.

pure brilliance

see more of her artwork here

ho ho ho.

and another christmas well spent. with the failing economy and the awful weather, i can't say that all of us had much christmas spirit, but i'm happy to say that i rather enjoyed my christmas just as much as i did last year or the year before. with all these college apps piled on my back, i haven't been able to write, paint, or read as much these days. on top of that, i'm going away for 4 days to a church retreat. my sincerest apologies. i am looking forward to amazing nights of worship and intimate hours spent with the Lord.

and my christmas gift to you?

a little jam for your eardrums to enjoy and another glorious picture of me.

this time in a rutgers sweatshirt that kiwi bought for me.

merry christmas.

i hope you all enjoy the rest of your night.

i know i will.

77

There is always something left to love. And if you haven't learned that, then you've learned nothing. Have you cried for that boy today? I don't mean for yourself and for the family because we lost the money. I mean for him: what he's been through and what they've done to him. Child, when do you think is the time to love somebody the most? When they've done good and made things easy for everybody? Well then, you're not through with learning - because that isn't the time at all. It's when he's at his lowest and can't believe in himself because the world has whipped him. When you start measuring somebody, measure him right, child, measure him right. Make sure you've taken into account what hills and valleys he's come through before he got to wherever he is.

76

stop eating. you look hideous in that red dress of yours. not even black can cover those curves. you look best when we can only see your bones. you look best when your skin is deteriorating and your cheek bones start to show. stop eating salads. stop eating whole wheat. consume oxygen and oxygen only. stop eating. your skeleton is the most beautiful thing about you. stop eating.

74

mom decided to take pictures of me putting on my shoes this morning.

i must admit that for a person who feels half dead at 7AM, i don't look too shabby.

candid

surprise

and hello!

what have i been reading?

as you all may know, i read like there is no tomorrow. i recently finished sex, drugs, and cocoa puffs by chuck klosterman and i absolutely loved it. his critiques are ridiculously insane. he is insane and i am insane, therefore, we click. i feel like i should put up a small list that i have composed during the past hour that should've been spent studying for my AP psych test tomorrow. every book in this list is a book that i have either already read or look forward to reading.

1. sex, drugs, and cocoa puffs - chuck klosterman.
2. paying for it - chester brown
3. oblivion - david foster wallace
4. the perks of being a wallflower - stephen chbosky
5. sometimes my heart pushes my ribs - ellen kennedy
6. breakfast of champions - kurt vonnegut

enjoy, my fellow blogspot stalkers. i shall update again later tonight or tomorrow. 

73

love isn't real. momma taught me that when i was younger. why do we confide in things that never guarantee us a happy ending? why do we put our faith in things that always end up hurting us? i don't. "don't you doggone trust that man of yours, you hear me? he'll do nothing good. he'll hurt you and then leave you for some other woman. don't you dare trust him." yes, momma. no man of mine will ever gain my trust. i will never trust anyone. momma knows best. she keeps my heart safe. she knows best.

72

erica baj

see more of her artwork here

she is so talented. you will not regret going through her flickr.

71

MACBOOK PRO!!

finally. i went to run some errands with the father shin yesterday. i picked up my mother's xmas present, a couple presents for my secret santa, this beautiful macbook, my mother's iPhone, and new guitar strings. it feels good to say that i am a proud owner of a macbook pro. i always dream of having one in my hands but i never quite thought that the dream would come true nor would i have ever guessed that the thought having my own macbook would actually be tangible. my best friend and i have a problem with naming every single electronic device we own. it's ridiculous, but i still haven't come up with a name for this baby yet. i can't wait to fill this macbook up with endless amounts of poems, literature, music, and essays. i will make my home in it. i am ecstatic.

i also found a new art blog.

http://www.mavericksalamode.com/2011_08_01_archive.html

follow!

because i am in such a good mood,

here is a picture of my slightly tilted face and my ugly collarbone sticking out.

enjoy the nice view of my refrigerator.

you deserve it.

70

it's 1:27AM and i have school in about 6 hours. i can't get myself to sleep. i've been staying up, sipping my coffee, and writing in my moleskine. i feel like i haven't been very productive lately. these past few weeks have consisted of nothing but tea, coffee, writing, painting, drawing, and contemplating over the immense amount of college essays and school work i have to finish, in any other words, these past few weeks have consisted of nothing but complete laziness. i guess i'm planning to shake it off of me sometime soon. i'm considering the option to switch my major before i actually get into college. as a teenager, being capricious is in my nature. i've switched my major about 3 times throughout my high school career. (from art to journalism to secondary education english) but now, i'm considering going to back to journalism or at least minoring in it. things have been shaky. maybe i should stick to the whole teacher-who-loves-english thing. i've never been consistent in anything. i think i might be going to barnes and noble tomorrow to get some of my work done for once. i guess i should get to bed now. good night, world. i love you all.

69

68

it's not much like christmas without you. i don't understand why you would do that. why would you hurt them like that? why would you do that to us? put a knife to my throat and i promise you that i still will never admit it. i did horrible things. horrible. but i still loved you throughout it all. we had our fights. i took your scissors and cut off my hair. i took your razor and drew your favorite streets. straight and down my arms. you told me you loved me all the same, no matter how deep my insanity took me. i'm crazy but you knew that i was fighting it. it's sick, our love. but we had it all. emily, you know we had it all. we still do.

67

herbert bayer

66

putting up christmas decorations.
enjoy my candy cane headband.

i try my best to have holiday spirit.

65

it has finally happened. my tumblr and my facebook are both gone from my life. i have nothing but my twitter, email, and this beautiful blog. i hold these three close to my heart. afterall, they are what connects me to the rest of society. not much has been going on. after being rejected by my early decision college, i've discovered another college: wheaton college, IL. i feel like i've been applying to colleges based on their well-known names and prestigious education programs. i haven't been looking for colleges based on how well i would fit in as a person. i believe that's where i went wrong. wheaton college suits me so well. personality and academics. it's a win win situation, however, it's a hard school to get into. i'm uneasy about my chances of being admitted. nevertheless, i'm praying consistently for my acceptance letter and i am going to try my best to get in. somehow. other than that, my plans for winter break have been set. it will consist of college applications, reading, and painting. maybe i'll throw in a time for my second home: new york city. the best friend is no longer coming to visit anymore. that puts a frown on my face :( i miss her so much. hopefully, things will work out and i will have my acceptance letter and be able to see my best friend as well. fingers crossed as always.

what i've been listening to while painting these days.

marvelous. simply marvelous.

Maria Aparicio

beautiful edits of photographs.

see more of her art work on her flickr

http://www.flickr.com/photos/remaria/

Martine Johanna

tcnj = rejection
montclair = rejection
rutgers =
pace =
rowan =
penn state =
northeastern =
wheaton (IL) =
wheaton (MA) =
emerson =

the funny thing is i am okay. i'm okay with being unwanted. i was always good at being okay with it. one door closes. more open. optimism was never my thing. i am not optimistic. i am careless. i just don't care. i guess it's not a positive attitude, but it is definitely not negative either. careless. reckless. i have always been how i am. i think i'm going to be all right, but then again, i am always feeding myself with lies. i shit them out and i run on an empty stomach. i wish things could work out for me as easily as they do for others.

been listening to this a lot lately.

it helps me get into the mood to write.

although, i am a little iffy about the dramatic part in the middle.
but it does give a nice effect to the softer notes that come afterwards.

like the quiet and peacefulness after a storm.
beautiful piece of music.
absolutely beautiful.

64

the morning is when she lingers. it’s before the world wants anything from her and that’s when she’s most beautiful. it’s true that not many saw her like that but i can’t say i was the only one. even though we each have our own beginnings, mornings like this were shared between us all.

she used to tell people that it was like the world was drawn with a dull piece of charcoal. that was before me. now she sees things my way, it makes a little more sense. this is me. if i’m meant for anything, it’s to show her the world. is that so bad? the quiet morning like the many before it, calm and comfortable, but comfort can be terribly blinding. the difference with this particular morning is in a call. she smiles, for who? i can’t see anymore.

63

i have always loved gravity. the beauty of gravity fascinated me when i was little. the way my ball used to always come back to me no matter how high i threw it above me. when bullies at my school threw my hat that my grandma knit for me, it never went anywhere. it always fell on the ground because gravity allowed it to. gravity and i have been close friends since. the promise that it assured me with is a promise i'll never forget. the promise that things will always fall and come back to you no matter how hard you throw it away. everything and everyone in this world is subject to gravity. that comforts me. gravity. such an underrated beautiful thing, it is.

61

people always told me that i'm living in my own world. they've told me to snap out of it, but i never could seem to do so. it's not that i'm crazy, no. i am not crazy at all, but everyone else seems to think so. reality and i never had a good relationship. reality was never my kind of partner. i like to call myself a dreamer. my dreams and i built a home together. we've touched each other. we've walked down roads paved with emeralds and jasper. ate golden pears and thought clear thoughts. watched frozen clocks and opened presents. my dreams and i were infatuated with each other. they can strap me to this plastic bed in this hospital and shove these pills down my throat, but i will always be with my dreams. reality has no place within me. i will sew my dreams to my wrists and i will wear the necklace my dreams gave me around my neck. i will wear this noose around my neck. i will wear it faithfully.

60

snow

falling everywhere

on the floor

on the desk

in skinny lines

just like the army

marching straight up my nose

to my brain

and in my body,

there is snow

falling everywhere

59

it seems like everybody's praying for me these days. is there something going wrong? is something horrible going to happen? people keep telling me "God's been putting you on my mind these days. hope all is well, jamie." have i strayed that far? have i gone too far?

58

and she kept eating her life away. she ate her stress away. bad grades? eat it away. parents fighting? stuff a couple bags of chips. dog died? shove a sandwich down your throat. boyfriend broke up with you? swallow that  whole tub of ice cream. more friend problems? keep eating. and she ate and she ate and ate and ate until she couldn't eat anymore. she then lied there on her bed. she felt all of it come back up. up her stomach, past her esophagus, and right out of her mouth. she puked all over the place. she kept puking and puking until nothing but water came out. she couldn't breathe but she couldn't stop. she lied there on her bed and died.

taking a peak.

i couldn't help but to take a sneak peek at my christmas present from my mother. they are absolutely beautiful. oh and here's a picture of my beautiful hair. ha.

57

it's funny how when you're young and just born, your parents put so much faith in you. they encourage you and tell you that you are the best thing that has ever happened to them. when you fall, they help you back up. when you make a mistake, they understand you. they buy you ice cream and take you out for the night. it's different when you're older. if you fail, they throw up words that can cut glass, right through your heart. they tell you that there are people better than you and that your friend who sits next to you in math class is just as good as you are. they don't treat you like their trophy anymore. you have to start proving your worth. i don't want to stay young because i want to live life to the fullest. i don't want to stay young just so that i can be irresponsible and carefree. not because i want to go out and party all night long knowing that someone's still paying for rent, gas, and electricity. being young means that someone will always be there caring for you. whether it be your parents, friends, etc. when you're young, you're worth something and you don't even have to prove it. as you get older, people tear you apart. your parents, friends, family, school, church, etc. they tear everything down and leave nothing left. i can't say that i'm afraid to grow older but at the same time, i can't say that i'm looking forward to it. i wish someone still had faith in me.

TCNJ

college dilemma.
where is my letter of acceptance?
or should i say my letter of rejection?

TCNJ is everything i have ever hoped and dreamed for. this has to work out. this has to.

56

see, the thing about love is that it either makes you or breaks you. you can come out with a broken heart. you can come out with a happy family, a house, future vacation plans, and a nice dog. i see people fall in love with love. but love was never my thing. love was never attracted to me. my friends all had girlfriends or boyfriends, but i was always alone. i have always liked being alone. it's like being the only person in a theater. you get to have the perfect view. you get to choose your seat and watch love break other people. you get to watch daddy take his knife and cut open mom. you get to watch your brother hang from the ceiling. you get to watch glass shatter across the floor. you get to watch everything. there's nothing bad about not having any love. there's nothing bad about being alone. there's nothing bad about it at all.

55

i know my father loves me. he would never hurt me. my father loves me with everything he has. he would never hit me unless he had a reason to. if i break a dish, two blows to the face. if i sit on the sofa and watch television before finishing my homework, four blows to the face and a kick in the ribs. my father loves me. he's a man of reason. i've felt his cool hands on me. sometimes, he wakes me up at night. mother's never home. i'm sure if i endure one night, i'll start getting used to his habit. some of you might think he's a freak. others would probably want to arrest him. but i won't let you. i won't because i know my father loves me. he does. i promise you.

54

might be seeing these two beauties on february 19th
we hit turbulence.

53

there was never much about her. nobody ever knew why she did the things she did. why she always arranged her pencils in color coordination or why she always neatly pinned back her hair in the same exact position every single goddamn day. nobody knew why she decided to make the decision that night. i never knew her well enough. no one did. she always kept to herself. nobody cared. nobody ever knew. from time to time, i wonder if that was the reason why. it doesn’t take long to realize that nobody gives a shit about you. when the world stops caring, you stop caring. everyone found her. her limp body hovering 4 feet from the ground. her veins in shades of violet and blue from her neck down. nobody ever knew why she did what she did. nobody ever cared. nobody ever did.

52

they say beauty is skin deep, so i dug for it. i cut open every vein, in search of colors and wonders. i've always longed for beauty. like those girls on runways. their sleek slender legs and perfect tan face. i wanted it. i wanted it all. i examined every piece of flesh and felt every bone within me. some say that beauty is something that will always be found. others say we all die trying to find it. beauty flooded my bathtub that night in every shade of red. you should have seen the look on my father's face. i was finally everything that i ever hoped to be: beautiful.

51

there's something about being underwater that i love so much. it's the closest i get to death. thirty seconds deep and i come back up. sometimes, i wonder how much longer i have to spend to cut off all oxygen. i wonder how easy it is for my lungs to collapse. i rarely ever had a reason to come up. i never had a reason until a certain day. my father was calling my name, waiting at the edge of the pool. i was underwater. shaking. waiting for the rush of water to fill my lungs. "Jamie.. Jamie. Jamie." i looked up to see a blurry yet clear smile. i went up and took in a deep breath. i looked at my dad and smiled. i rarely ever had a reason to come up. i never had a reason until a certain day. my father was calling my name, waiting at the edge of the pool. i came up. it's always good to come up. it's always good to have a reason.

50

i woke up to find a ball of yarn at the side of my bed. unraveling, it rolled over towards the other side of the room. it rolled over to a door that was never there before. my curiosity was piqued as i walked over to open it and when i opened it, i saw beauty for the first time. they say heaven is a majestic place. people say it's where happiness dwells. fields of crisp brown wheat next to roads paved with gold and the end of the road, two thrones. all hail the Lion and the Lamb! praise the One who paid the price of our sins. i shut the door. i shut the door and i glanced at the noose above me. how strange it is to see a noose made of yarn. i glanced and i went back to bed.

49

i wish i could tell you how it all started. we were alone. i was on one end of the room, fully clothed. she was on the other, completely naked. i was wearing an ugly sweater, skinny jeans, glasses, and a pair of black dr. martens. she was wearing nothing. nothing but a necklace with a golden cross. i could see her panting. i could feel her veins pulsating, as if they were my own. she looked just like me. the same round eyes, button nose, pink lips. her hair was long. mine was short. she looked up at me. her eyes glowed and the light in them pierced mine. the light took it's ride down my body through every bone and muscle. in that moment, i felt peace. i felt joy and i felt hope. she looked at me again and said, "don't forget me." i woke up. i woke up to nothing but silence and darkness. it was 3:34AM and i swore that i would never forget her.

48

"I am gay."

there. she said it. oxygen wasn't necessary during those 10 seconds of silence. but silence was all she needed at that moment. she looked up and took a glance at her mother's face, then her father's. regret is a devastating thing, i tell you. once it hits, it hits hard. the father is enraged. the mother breaks down crying. "But...honey, what about Jesus?" Jesus. her Father, her Savior, the person who was and has been the very foundation of her whole entire life. what would He think of her? "Straight to your bedroom. Now." no, father. straight to hell. i am going to hell.

pills.

ten pills. they lie at my bed side. at night, they reach for me. in the morning, they call for me. i pick at them. i lay them out in front of my lamp stand. i make sure there is exactly one inch between each and every one. perfection. it has always been something that i have run endlessly for. obsessive, no. i am not obsessive at all. just perfect. i am perfect.

47

death. i never thought i’d come face to face with it. i never thought i’d come to terms with it either. it was always something that was just distant, out of my sight. strength. i had a hell lot of it. i was never weak, no. always protecting mother while walking home late at night with groceries. fending for the brother when he got into quarrels with his friends. i was always the line leader in class. i was always the one comforting, never the one crying. it feels strange, you know? once you find out that people around you are dying. some say they’ve passed away. others say that their hearts stopped beating, but i think death stole them. he took them away. they weren’t strong enough. they couldn’t fight back because they were weak. it’s pitiful to watch them lay there in their coffins. it’s pitiful to know that you’ll have nothing to do but watch your friends and families gawk at you. if death ever took me, if i ever lost to him, i’d want my coffin to be closed. i would never let them see me dead. i would never let them see me weak. never in a million years.

don’t ever let them see me dead, daddy.

46

i promise that i'll stay strong this time
wind up this heart and i'll try to keep this heart beating
emily, i keep you far from me because
everything i keep at my reach runs away

don't stray too far though
keep close to me
but keep your distance
this heart's made of metal
i swore to you that i'd never break
paint my body and place me on those wings
take me beneath those layers

45

it feels like i can't confide in anyone anymore. every time i lay down and think about everything that's going on, i break down because i am truthfully and honestly frightened of the person i have become. i am losing everything and everyone. words cannot explain the variety of emotions that i feel every single goddamned day. where am i going?

43

i dreamt about it again last night
i woke up to find out that i was still alone
i dreamt that you were here last night
beneath the covers between the sheets
they keep telling me this is who i am
he keeps telling me this isn't right
i'm in a cage with rubber bars
evaporation at its finest
i'm half gone

42

i am growing to hate more people.

41

Emily, remind me not to come back to this
Remind me not to forget to turn away
Tie a millstone around this
And throw it into the ocean
Throw it away for good
I'll fret over this
And at night, it'll grip my soul
I'll run from this
1000 miles straight back to Kansas
Where that tree waits for me
I'll hold onto it's branches
And become a leaf far away on the streets
The farmer will sow his seeds
And I'll fall on this bed of thorns
It's time to pack up, Emily.
It's time to go.

40

i am learning how to manage it all
my hands are dripping with hours
i wish i could tell you that i am getting better
emily, i wish i could tell you i'm turning my ways
i feel adrift from everything we've built
wrap this around my ankles and drag me
bury me 6 feet under
and i swear you'll still feel my pulse
drown me under this all

38

paper thin trust
strength of aluminum
you kill me
when you keep this from beating

rip down those boundaries
and take your steps down those stairs
into my arms
there’s no point in taking breaths
if you’re not here to take them away

bring home another trophy
but you know i’ll still lie awake
i’ll lie awake with a gun at my chest
someone, give me a beat
put me to sleep
because i don’t think i can stand and watch anymore
burn this home down and tell me it’s gone for good
i’ll wait outside your window
i don’t mind dying out here

37

there’s nothing but filth in this worn out body
get your hands off me
grab your knives and take me

i’m standing on pins and needles
i’m standing on the edge
come out
stop telling me to come out

i’m anxious but i let this slide by
because i need another day to live
please get your hands off me
grab your knives and wait for me 

36

i wish life would stop moving for a little while. i want to take a step back and take a break because i hate putting up the act that i'm okay. things are not okay. i am slowly drifting away. i do not exist.

35

i’m afraid to tell you
there’s not much of a difference anymore
if i choose to love someone i’m not
will you still love me all the same?

stay here and wait
watch over me
rest your head on my chest
leave me when it stops rising

i told you i’ll dig a little deeper
broken gold broken rules
i’m heading towards the flames
it’s awfully quiet here 

33

caught between she and her
there’s two ends to this rope
take it down a notch
dim the lights and see who’s still glowing
look for who’s still showing

plastic and paper hearts
aluminum thoughts
there’s not much inside this mind
but i swear i’ll get there somehow.

31

alas, a picture with the kiwi

thanks to the best friend for the cozy jacket.

she is pretty much the epitome of awesomeness.

30

sorry for not posting as often, blog. i have been so occupied with my job and the pile of college applications in my folder, which is currently staring at me while i type this entry. i must say that working at a bakery is the worst. ever. especially when you're stuck with 10 other extremely korean cultured asians. i went out to grab coffee after my shift with a friend of mine and i came home 30 minutes ago. thank God tomorrow is a half day. but then again, i have work at 3:30. oh boy..

other than that, i really do miss the best friend.

29

don’t tell me you’re here
that sun rises and you’re gone
sand slips from my hands
into your hour glass 
how long are you going to be here for tonight?
stay here next to me where there’s room
or make your run for the night
take your time
don’t forget to grab your bags
don’t forget to take your clothes
don’t forget to take this heart
cause it’s still on the floor where you left it last night
beating
pumping
there’s more to this than us
there’s more to this than lust
i feel the heat
traveling down my bones
taking its ride through my veins
there’s more inside this heart than love
you. 

28

it's official. tegan and sara are coming to new york. as you all know, their new DVD is coming out soon. instead of just selling them, tegan and sara decided to do a special release. during the week of release, Get Along will be playing on the big screen across North America! i am ecstatic about this. they will be coming to new york to do questions + answers AND watch the movie with us! how superb. i cannot believe i am seeing them. nothing will get in my way. i will cancel work. i will kill people. not really. but i will severely mutilate them.

27

i hate looking forward
nothing but fog and my faults
nothing but a man hanging on wood
stuck in a tragedy
call me out to the edge of the cliff
if you fall, i fall
you fall, i breathe
you take up the old tree, i weep
suitcases filled with mercy
i squandered them all
i wasted them all

please stay a little longer
please wait a little longer
because i’m too tired
i’m too tired to make decisions
i’m still running 

26

so i finally mustered up the courage to call the bakery (which i have been planning to call for the past..month.) and told them that i wanted to apply for a job. i made an appointment for an interview at 4 and i almost puked from being so nervous. i swear, i'm a mess when the spotlight is on me. so i got to the bakery, filled out a form that the manager gave me, and sat there for about 30 minutes with her. i told her that i was available from monday through thursday, from 3pm-8pm. she gave me the most disappointing look and asked me why i wasn't available from 3pm-11pm.............in all seriousness, is this lady crazy? need i remind her that senior year isn't all about playing. i still have a lot of work to accomplish. moreover, i have a LIFE. i told her that latest i could work was around 9. we made a compromise that on some days, i would stay until 9 and on other days, i would stay until 11. she made me so nervous and paranoid. she pursed her lips when i told her i've never made an espresso in my life before (my apologies for being a teenager who tried to maintain all of my focus on things that were more important to me during my pre-teen years than making espressos). anyhow, she told me she would call me if i got the job later on during this week, but as soon as i go home, i received a call from the bakery telling me that i got the job and that i should come in tomorrow for training. oh boy. i'm actually quite ecstatic about this job. time to learn how to make espressos!

25

they're cute, aren't they?

24

i guess today was a productive day. i took the subway by myself to union square and walked with a couple of my friends to the village and the east village. i bought a pair of stanton dr. martens in brown at no relations. boy, do i love thrift stores. i took alexa to get her tongue pierced. it was a pretty painful process to watch. despite all the annoyances, it was overall a good day.

if i had to say one thing, i'd tell you to stop being such a biter and get bent.

22

so i received permission from the parentals to go to coachella! i am beyond stoked. however, i'm not too sure yet. the tickets, hotel fee, and plane tickets are ridiculously pricey. the cost puts a frown on my face :(

listen.

Listen,
Listen,
I'm listening carefully
To where exactly you might be,
Cause I've had enough waiting.
I've had enough waiting for you.

I'm thinking,
I'm thinking,
Of growing old with someone
As beautiful as you.
Just ask me to,
Just ask me to.

I'm recalling,
Recalling
Putting on jackets way too thin,
To fight against snow way too thick.
And it coming down sideways,
And you clearing my eyes.

I've had a little too much to think.
I've had a little too much to think.
And empty rooms tend to make,
Me believe in you.
Surrounded by everything I own,
Boxed and labeled, ready to go.
Not before time, not before time.
I'm listening, I'm listening. 

21

it's finally here and after already watching half of the trailer, i am already madly in love with this dvd. i am dying for it. $50 for 3 limited edition autographed posters, DVD, 2 digital tracks, 2 digital bonus tracks from street date.

oh someone please make my wish come true. go on that site, place an order for this package, and punch in those credit card numbers.

here is the website if you want to know more!

http://www.teganandsara.com/

i love tegan and sara so much. i am their number one fan.

i will severely maim anyone who challenges my position.

18

Ania Cywińska

17

my first AP psych test ever is tomorrow and i am in no mood to study for it. starbucks and my cup of coffee did not assist me with my focus at all. so i sat there for 2 hours contemplating on life and college. very productive, no? the thought of college makes me choke. it makes me feel antsy and anxious. i've decided to do early decision for the college of new jersey. although i've always dreamed and drooled over going to school in the city, i realized that i should apply to a college that i knew i would absolutely love going to. after seeing tcnj's campus and how much of a small school it is, i felt more inclined to apply there as my first choice. it is, after all, one of the top schools for education. although my gpa is equivalent to a spoon, i do hope that they see something unique in me and accept me. oh, i'm a hopeless case :( what am i to do with my life........

When the laughter fails to comfort
When my heart aches, Lord are you there?
When confusion is all around me
And the darkness is my closest friend
Still I'll praise You
Jesus praise You

16

every time i think about that Man who gave His life up for me, i become completely undone. i am wrecked whenever i gaze upon His beauty. thinking about how much i've strayed away from this marvelous selfless Man and His love for me, i tear up. while He hangs from the cross, i'm sitting here smoking cigarettes and spitting out foul words. what the hell am i doing? what have i learned for the past 2 years? how many times does this Man have to come down to save me? how many times am i going to tell myself that i'm going to get myself together then run back to my old sins? when am i going to leave everything behind and run after Him? this isn't right and this wasn't how it was supposed to be. i'm so sick of constantly being beat up by this world and losing my grip. i'm sick of losing my Father. i'm sick of Him crying and hurting over me. what am i going to do with myself..

15

mario wagner

14.

i've been regretting a lot of things these days, but most of all, i'm regretting not going into art. i regret making the choice to give up on art because it was just "too risky". and it is risky. i'm not denying it. but art is what i love. contemporary art especially. my huge manila folder filled with my pieces lay untouched in my garage. i'm quite afraid to open it because i know i'll tear up. maybe i'll minor in art. i am after all, on my way to a school in the city. i'm sure i'll be able to appreciate many different kinds of art throughout the streets of brooklyn.

13

being back in the city felt amazing. taking the A and L down to brooklyn felt somewhat revitalizing. i feed off the city and its energy. it resuscitates me from my boring dreary life in the suburbs. sipping my coffee and taking pulls from my cigarette while sitting down by a park never felt so calming. i haven't found that much joy in acts of such simplicity in my life before.


....speaking of cigarettes, i need to stay away from them. whether they be american spirits or a plain pack of marlboro 54's, i should cut them out of my life as soon as possible.

12

beyond amazing. i love this band. i hope they perform in new york again when i go tomorrow. they are just marvelous, i tell you, marvelous.

11

had a photo shoot with a couple friends

9

change the scene
change your pace
it'll all come together
but this will always remain the same
it'll always remain the same

turn the tables
and flip the seats
point your fingers
straight at me
i know this was not what we were here for

i'm still waiting
and you're still running
i'm still wondering
and you're still fighting
take your time
oh take your time

7 - rants of the day

1. i truly hate it when people call me a hipster. i'm not saying this just to make myself appear to be even more hipster by denying the label. i'm saying this because i really do dislike it. yeah i may dress in a fashion that makes me appear to be somewhat of a hipster, but that's just the clothes i wear. don't base me on what i wear. i've worked hard to find out who i am throughout high school. i don't want all my hard work and efforts to be thrown away through these stupid stereotypes. i am who i am. stop trying to fit me into something i'm not.
2. i don't say personal things about someone unless it's something that really worries me. i would like it if people could see me through my intentions rather than my actions. like i've stated before, my intentions are rarely ever negative. i mean no harm to no one if i spill something that's personal. it's bad on my part but always know that there's a good reason behind everything that i do. and it's mostly because i care about that person.
3. i despise people who try to be something they're not. be yourself and don't change. you are beautiful the way you are.

sara is too cute when she's mad.

6

I have run away from my Lover
He used to clothe me with the finest linen
He used to set feasts before me
My lover used to tuck me into bed
I used to wake up to His voice
His arms were the first things I'd run into

My Lover was my refuge
My Lover was everything
But I have run away from my Lover
I wear a sackcloth and I weep
I am famished and I have no place to stay
I wake up to nothing but the sound of my sobs
I have run away from my Lover
And I have to find my way back

5

and so the mood swings and compulsive eating begins. must be my time of the month. what a thriller.

4

i know people use that same old cliche line that they don't care if people talk crap and that they actually love people making them "famous" but in all honesty, i really do enjoy the attention people give me when they talk behind my back. call me a masochist but that stab on the back feels good. it feels amazing to know that i'm giving them something to talk about. call me narcissistic but it feels even better to know that they're jealous of me. i feel absolutely taken aback and flattered to know that i'm worth a minute or two of their precious short-lived lives.

needs.

1. new pants
2. patterned cardigans
3. simple cardigans
4. gray and white striped vneck from american apparel
5. new leather jacket
6. storm jacket
7. laced dress from urbanoutfitters
8. oxfords
9. red converses (high tops s'il vous plait)

3

bring wholeness to this, you can't.
find a way around this, you won't.
make yourself the victim
susceptible to all my words
you call the shots

maybe we should take a step back and rearrange this all over again
don't force the pieces in
stop finding a way to make it all fit
because it won't
because it's different this time

paint another story over the broken bricks
while i sleep next to emptiness
hollow me out
rip me into pieces
you know i'll find a way back
you know we'll find a way back
to nothing

2

i hear my AP Literature assignment calling my name. oh and look, a pile of papers to write in front of me.

i'm going to watch t.v.

favorite

1.

from what i hear from people, i apparently come off as a person who has an unfriendly disposition. to be quite honest, i'm offended. despite the fact that i do tend to dislike some people, my intentions are rarely ever negative towards anyone else. i do try to be nice and polite as possible. yeah i'm quick to see how a person presents themselves when i first meet them, but who isn't? believe it or not, first impressions are bound to happen, but whether you choose to judge the person through those impressions is different.

i'd prefer it if people would stop judging me through rumors and their encounters with me. get to know me yourselves.