wolf

I would kill to be 
Your clothes
Cling to your body
And hang from your bones
And I can make a mark
If you would let me start

You’ve been feeling smaller
Take a different number
Like you do, like you do
When you talk about it 
You don’t want to hear it
Tell me more, tell it all, can you take it

I would kill to be the cold
Tracing your body
And shaking your bones
But I can’t sleep at night

downtown

sometimes i wish that these shadows would just disappear. that the light would just go out. that the bulb would burst and crack. just so these dark figures and silhouettes would disappear and stop haunting me. they’re always out to get me. always plotting something sinister. these trains of deep thoughts run down the same railroad and they never make the turn to leave my soul. i want to be at peace. i want to be at ease. am i ever? will the aching cease? or will i rather come to terms with the fact that i will always be hurting? anything to make this numb. anything to make it stop. i want it to stop. i want to stop.

the other side of the door

this heart pumps more than just blood. these veins carry love, hope, worries, prayers that they would continue to carry on, and frequent requests to stop functioning overall. these past few days have been filled to the brim with nothing but grief and pure insanity. i was never good with handling racing thoughts. racing heartbeats. i never was able to fully comprehend the workings of my mind. my thoughts kept intertwining with the fantasies of my heart, choking and gripping my soul. reality kept puncturing holes throughout my head. work work work. go out. study. eat. whatever it took to keep the monsters away. whatever it took for them to stop eating away at my mind. they're after me and they're out to get me, emily. and this whole time, for three weeks, i was scrambling on my knees looking for reasons and excuses to stay. but now that the cat's out of the bag, they're out to take me down. and the worst part is that i just got up. emily, i just started running.

all i see

words. she looked for the right words. the perfect verbs and tenses to fit into the tight spaces of the compact sentence that she saw as her statement. her confession. she loved the idea of falling. "everything that goes up always comes down. they always have an ending. nothing can defy the laws of physics" and that's all she ever really wanted. an ending. a conclusion. from time to time, i'd find her pacing back and forth on the top of her apartment building in the middle of the night. no matter how deep the glass under her feet dug into her, she'd spend the whole night taking in every single minute and second, diving into the what if's and possibilities. she found it inconceivable for her to even think about having closure. she used to tell me about how badly she wanted to be like the wind. to be able to go wherever the world took her. carefree and content. here today and gone tomorrow. she wanted to disappear and one day, she did. they found her body in the parking lot of her apartment building with beautiful shades of red surrounding her. she was carefree and she was content. she found closure. she fell.

bravery

and just like that, it's gone. i trust you. i hope that this strikes you from the depths of your heart. the twelve feet deep ends of your mind and the never-ending veins that keep you alive. it's only been a short matter of time yet it feels like we've come so close to comfort. i understand you. i feel you. i've never treasured time or looked at it as anything of value until i began to spend it with you. i love you? i like you? regardless of whatever those words mean, the emotions and feelings speak so much more. my heart feels so much more than what's said. talk is cheap. words are useless. as much as a person could mean them, as much as you and i could mean the things that we let slip past our lips, they hold nothing of intimate value to either of us until our actions prove their authenticity. i never thought it'd come this far and i still find it hard to accept that i belong to someone. i belong to you. i belong with you. i belong. i finally belong. that's all i ever really wanted.

julien pacaud

underneath

and she dug her nails deep into her skin, in search of the colors that she longed to show. layer after layer. flesh under flesh. she dug until she hit her bones. she hit the cold hard iridescent ivory pieces that were structured so meticulously within her skin. they've told her time and time again of how she's going to end up letting her worries eat away at her, but they were wrong. the cause of the problem was her. her and her intoxicating lethal mind. she always thought her skin was too thick for her to really feel what the world was telling her and so, she dug. she dug until all of her luminous incandescent bones were showing and i promise you, she felt exactly what she needed to feel that night. emily, i felt exactly what i needed to feel that night. i felt you.

coastal

discovered yesterday night that my dad has been diagnosed with diabetes. i couldn't help but sit in my bed and tear up. i have never felt so vulnerable. it didn't feel like there was much of a difference, but never in my life have i seen my dad so helpless. it feels like everything is just weighing me down lately. i'm overreacting and having emotional spasms over everything. i need a prescribed bottle of "chill pills". is that what they call it? i'm going to do nothing but paint tonight. get rid of all this negative energy and start off fresh tomorrow morning. my apologies to anyone who has been putting up with my petty emotional bullshit. it will all cease here.

small snippet of my paintings

and my moleskine entries

drops

are we going where we planned to go? tell me, is this what we really wanted? are we doing this the right way? i feel exhausted. i feel hopeless and sometimes, i wonder if we started this off with the right intentions. i question us too much. i have too many doubts and i hate myself for doing so. i absolutely detest that i have so many trust issues because it's not fair to you. it's not fair to us. i promise that i'm trying my best to break through and i'm sorry that i'm making it so hard for the both of us. i hold so much in because i don't want to be a burden. everything and everyone i try to keep close to me always somehow run away from me. i'm aware of the fact that you've only scratched the surface of who i am, but i hope to God that you don't run away like everyone else did when they saw my deeper layers. i hope that you still feel the same way as you did when we first met because sometimes, it doesn't feel like you do. but i'm trusting that you do.

"We never need to say anything to each other when we're together. This is- for the time when we won't be together. I love you, Dominique. As selfishly as the fact that I exist. As selfishly as my lungs breath air. I breathe for my own necessity, for the fuel of my body, for my survival. I've given you not my sacrifice or my pity, but my ego and my naked need. This is the only way you can wish to be loved. This is the only way I can want you to love me. If you married me now, I would become your whole existence. But I would not want you then. You would not want yourself-and so you would not love me long. To say 'I love you' one must first know how to say the 'I'."

---------

playing this nonstop as i write this post

threads

it's in the morning when she feels the most secure. it's right before the sun takes its daily peek past the horizon. that's when she knows she's safe. under her covers and away from the world. it's when she feels the purest. it's when her sense of identity and love is at its strongest. her covers whisper words of assurance and the sunlight speaks nothing but wholeness over the pieces of her soul. there's something about mornings that she relished so much. could it be the consistency of the promise that these mornings will always come around? or maybe it could've been the freedom they ever so kindly blessed her with. regardless, they made her feel infinite. as if her soul could fly away and perch itself on the maple tree branches just around the corner of her street. these mornings gave her the chance to taste freedom with the tip of her tongue before the world reeled her back into its forceful grip. these mornings gave her hope. hope that there are moments and interstices that are filled to the brim with nothing but liberty. hope that she is still human. these mornings assure her of her sanity. they keep her in tact. they keep her safe. these mornings are her refuge.

ghost

why can't i ever fucking speak what's on my mind? why is it so impossible for me to articulate the thoughts that eat away at me from the inside out? i hate having these doubts. i hate having these second thoughts. i hate having all of these worries. i resent thinking in general. i hate that my mind ventures into all these unknown places when it's evident that there's nothing but troubled minds and worried hearts out there. there's a reason as to why i created this concrete jungle within me. there's a reason why i sit behind all of these beautifully plastered walls. i hope one day, someone will break them down and demolish them for good. i can't stand being here anymore. i can't stand thinking anymore.

empty rooms

i don't know where this is going, but i'm hoping it'll go where there's light. i'm having faith that even though it'll go through its own journey through the hills and valleys ahead, it'll end up where there's nothing but goodness. soils enriched with compassion and promises. and that although we may be stuck in our own reveries and wishful thoughts, we'll find each other even when reality floods our innermost beings. because i feel for you. i find my heartbeats with you. i confide in you. don't let this sink. i've come come out too far for this to sink.

arms

my stomach is killing me, i have a fever, and i'm shivering. what a great way to end spring break. these past seven days have been one of the most grueling, unproductive weeks of my whole entire life. minus the two days well spent with the boyfriend, i honestly would prefer going to school over feeling so groggy and disgusting for the other five days i spent at home or Starbucks.

other than that, i haven't been doing much writing and reading. at least, not as much as i used to. i need new paintbrushes. i need new sketchbooks. i need a new moleskine. i'm tired of being so tired. i'm too lazy to get out of my laziness. i'm too bored to do anything entertaining. does any of that even make sense? do i ever make sense?

now that both my housing and tuition fees are in, i can most definitely call myself an incoming freshman at nyack college. interesting. i never thought this was going to happen. going to college and leaving high school and all. everything seems so surreal to me. all these fleeting thoughts and small glimpses of the next four years of my life send shooting stars up and down my spine. looking forward to dorm decoration shopping with the room mate soon. that puts a smile on my face. i guess life is looking up after all.

the passenger seat

i trusted

the promises

i believed

in the consistency

of our heart beats

i didn't know
i couldn't see

the outcome
there was

guilt
running down my

veins

shame
shivering down my

spine

regret
pounding down my

bones

wounds

scars

wrists

stomach

thighs

ankles

they will

heal

the reason

to be quite frank, i'm frightened. i'm frightened and i don't know what's going to happen. it's been a while since i've last felt this way. i can't remember the last time i "fell in love." is that what people call it? falling in love? because it's awfully harsh to call it that way. if you fall, there's always a bottom you hit. what i'm scared of is hitting that bottom. rock bottom. what happens when you reach the end? is it all over? or is love something that never ends? a bottomless hole? that seems just as awful as the first image. everything has an end. everything has a closure. life itself has a end: death. relationships all have an end: break ups. i hate to be such a pessimistic bitch, but i can't help that i am, after all, a pessimistic bitch. the glass is always half empty. it's never half full for me. i honestly don't even know where this post is leading to. i don't even know what i'm writing about anymore. all you and i need to know is that i'm afraid. i've always kept my guards up. i've always had my walls up. i guess they're coming down one by one. i don't know what the future holds. it's unclear. foggy. that makes me feel uneasy. like my best friend said, ineffable feelings and loves are always the ones that are the sincerest. i'm not saying i'm in love, but i'm scared that it'll lead to it. trust is something i was never good with. love is something i was never good with either and it's all your fault. after those 2 years, i can barely think straight anymore. i'm glad you walked out of my life. you were horrible anyways and i'm glad i don't know where you are anymore. i'm glad, but i'm scared.

"I remember the day you left,

tying rocks to your ankles,

you said,

"I am going to find a

new world under the ocean."

I guess you must be enjoying yourself.

I haven't seen you since."

- Elizabeth Pfeffer 

little dreams

a walk in the park with tarred lungs

i'm clean.

horrible horrible mood, but the fact that i have no school this whole week is making it somewhat bearable. sometimes i wonder why i let myself and others suffer. do i enjoy receiving pain and inflicting it upon others? why do i care so much about this? why do i care so little about that? why do i overreact? why do i worry myself to bits? these shaking lips and this stuttering mouth could use a rest every now and then. i'm a sick-minded hopeless romantic and i have no idea what's wrong with me.

replay over and over and over again

quiet.

it's become clear to me that my identity hasn't quite surfaced yet. i realized that whenever a new being steps into my life, i force myself to shift and change according to what they're like. sometimes, i wonder if the way i am is truly who i am. i wonder if it's just another layer sitting on top of the rest that are suffocating my real identity. why am i never satisfied with what i do? why am i not able to accept things about myself? how can i accept or even tolerate the actions of others if i can barely stand the person i am? i'm not scared. i'm not scared. i'm not scared. i'm not scared. i let those three words run so swiftly through my mind, but the truth is, i am scared. i'm scared out of my fucking mind. i don't know where i am or where i'm going anymore. i've lost myself and i'm falling deep when i swore to myself that i would never let go. i wish i could be myself again, whoever that was because at least it felt comfortable being in my own skin, even though no one appreciated me. i don't know where i'm running to and i truthfully do not know where the light is anymore. i'm just hoping that somewhere, somehow, i'll find my way back. i always do.

"Even if the rain always wins and forces my eyes shut to dream of, I'll still dream of brighter days."

i will always dream of brighter days.

on letting go

I want to make sense to someone. I don't want to sound pathetic, or clingy, not even somewhat indecent, just normal and decisive, happy and congruent. I don't want to give pieces of myself away to people who will throw them away in a matter of a few months; I hate that the most. People seem so decent, even genuine and different, but they do something or a series of things that make them the most despicable of them all. I hate how I end up blaming myself though. I wish things were so much different, and we didn't have to thrive and live off of things like self-validation and reassurances, because I know I am so much stronger than those words. I hate talking about myself, but I love it at the same time. I am shallow and indecent, but I really wish I weren't. I wish I could record all of the things that I felt into real, legitimate words, but here I am, stumbling over ineffable, ephemeral feelings, and not writing the things I bury the most. I say I hate people, but I really just hate the fact that I do. I hate how reliant, or independent, I am towards people depending on who they are. I hate the way I am and the way I can be. I'm sorry if you're reading this. I hate that you're actually listening to me bask in this type of self-pity. Some things are better left unsaid, but other just boggle down a mind that is already halfway there. 

the way i am compressed into one paragraph

this is why we're best friends

seize the day

spring break is finally here. even though i have loads of homework due the day after i come back, i feel carefree. now that my parents legitimately do not care about my curfew or where i go, i am embracing freedom with both arms wide open. i am being enlightened. i am being introduced to new things. it feels wonderful. simply and beautifully wonderful. i am enjoying this. i could live with this. i really could.

i've been listening to a little bit of ellie goulding lately

this remix is my favorite.

this is stoner music

is that what you potheads call it?

credits to liam eisenberg for introducing me to A$AP ROCKY

i'm not much of the rapper type but his notes drive me insane.

here's a picture of the best friend

i miss her so..

cardiac things

maybe if i weren't so submissive towards the influences they throw upon me, things would unfold with much more ease. they would unfold smoothly over the rocky terrains i try so hard to walk down. their points wouldn't pierce my feet all the time. their points wouldn't pierce my heart all the time. maybe if these sporadic changes were to glide by without abrupt interstices, my mind wouldn't be so cluttered with all these things that i should be ever so indifferent towards. it's not fair. i find it hard to be impartial. i find it hard to not cry, shake, and worry over this. i find it hard to remain tranquil and doubtless. i find it hard to trust the words that you type so effortlessly onto that screen even though in your heart, i know you're engraving them as promises. its difficult and i give you my word that i am trying my best to live through this open heart surgery. i feel you probing my heart and i swear i felt you digging into the deep dark places that i nailed shut years ago. but that is alright with me. because i am trusting you. i am trusting these engravings.

i miss the best friend

best friend day 2 and 3

these pictures are from yesterday.

the best friend left today.

i look like a complete dude in the first two pictures.

all is well.

best friend day 1

light graffiti

francesco sapienza

dreamy dreamy dreamy

francesco sapienza's photography makes me feel dreamy

see more of his work here

reel it in.

today was absolutely the worst day ever. on top of three tests that i was bombarded with, i realized that the first draft of a huge paper for my lit class is due tomorrow and out of all the days a person could pick a fight with me, someone decided to pick one with me today. after being caffeine deprived for the past two days, i managed to chug down two cups of coffee and a can of monster in one sitting. i feel much more alive now that my addiction has been satisfied.

my fingers look awfully fat in this picture.

nonetheless, my phone case finally arrived today.

i guess that's one thing that makes me happy.

two things if you include the person i like.

three things if you include the fact that the best friend is coming in 2 days.

i guess three things should be enough to keep me alive.

 it's time to get these fingers typing. aeschylus, sophocles, euripedes, and aeistophanes, prepare to be violated by my knowledge in greek drama. absolutely none. help.

 boom.

sugar.

the best friend, hannah lee, is officially coming into NJ territory this coming thursday. spending three whole days together will be bliss. i love, i love, i love her. no one can fully know who i am or marry me until they meet this girl. she is the most down to earth, awesome, honest, super pessimistic, friedrich nietzsche loving piece of shit that i have ever met in my life. my love for her will be the death of me.

my hand in marriage goes to the both of you.

a letter

luring. she was radiating. radiation of some kind. like poison. like venom to the throat. a killer. she was a killer. a python. a rattlesnake positioned to bring death. we were dangerous. we had so much to say and so much to feel, yet so frightened. so nervous. so tense. emily, if i could bottle up the angst and send it to you, i would. but i'm afraid there's no bottle to this size, darling. the sea can only carry so much. i'd send a ship out to wherever you went and i would never be able to find you. i could send a million scuba divers, but our hearts will never be found underneath the blues of this ocean. they were dark times. we were in dark times when we met. time and time again, i think of you and i wonder if we ever could have been what we wanted to be. we would've been what we could've been only if we tried. only if we allowed ourselves to, but we didn't. so we weren't. we never became the thing that we longed so much for and i'm sorry. i'm sorry for kicking you out again but the timing wasn't right. we weren't right.

birthday gallery

skin on skin. the sound of bodies collapsing. this presence has come over me and i'm miles away from doubting it's you. i feel you down to the core of my bones. down to the marrows. the way our limbs are always entangled in the right angles. the enticement of your mouth on my neckline and my lips exploring new grounds of your jawline. all so beautiful. purely and simply beautiful.

kenny choi, i want to marry your voice.

my violent delight

all stars could be brighter

all hearts could be warmer

impartial

so much
to say
but not enough to mean
so much
to hear
but never enough to listen
so much
to touch
but too far to feel
so much
too much
far too much

"Toss, but try not to turn. The "I love you" still fogs up and I wanna smash the glass."

on the safest ledge

trust. that's all i need from a person. if i can't have trust, then i can't have anything to do with you. these little things, i notice them all. i worry over them. i overanalyze them. that's how i am. i defeat my emotions with my logic. i am practical. i am meticulous. i look at every detail and pick out the fabrications stitched within them. it's the commitment i need. your commitment. i need to be able to know that your eyes are only set on me and for me. i need your discernment. i need you to be able to know what's right and what's wrong. what gets me angry and what makes me happy. what makes me cry and what makes me laugh. i need you to be aware of me. be aware of everything that i am and feel.

brightest

the more i think about what had happened, the more i realize how much of an impact you've had on my life. your footsteps paved roads across my heart. they paved highways and built homes within me. several different ones. a home for the abuse. a home for our love. a home for our brokenness. and a home for the moments filled with genuine bliss that we shared so carefully. i don't think my perspective on relationships have or will ever change after us. yes, us. you and i, handsome. it's been three years and i still can't get myself to accept the fact that i let love take its steps down my heart. i can't get myself to accept the fact that you took your steps down my heart. i hope your breaths are full and filled with life now that i'm not here to take them away. i hope you're doing well. i hope to God you're doing well.

"If you find yourself here on my side of town

I'd pray that you'd come to my door

Talk to me like you don't know what we ever fought about

Cause I don't remember anymore

I just know that she warms my heart

And knows what all my imperfections are

And she said that I was the brightest little firefly in her jar"

the loser and i

we spent a wonderful day at my house

she's not that cute.

this is how i tie my hair before i go to bed so i don't find armies of pimples camping out on my forehead the next morning.

just thought i'd share that.

farewell.

stepping stones

they are called fortresses. i build them. i build them around my heart. around my head. around my mind. my versatility intrigues me. how easily i am able to slip into those creases. how swiftly i can change according to the outlines they give me. i am a shape shifter. night dweller. heart sweeper. deliriously enchanting. to the mouth and to the mind. no one can ever hope to see who i really am. no one can ever rely on my will to stay. i am here today and gone tomorrow. what rushes through my mind, goes through my mind. like speeding cars down a racetrack. but grace amazing takes its rush down my field. it takes its run down my yard. and it helps me to breathe. it helps my roots take their grip. and because of its presence, because of its love, because of the freedom it assures me with, i am here to stay. indeed, i am here to stay for good. even until tomorrow.

all delighted people

i don't think i realized the extent of how severe a case of senioritis can get. my life feels so dull. i feel lazy, lifeless, and mentally inept when it comes to school and the work it gives. as soon as i step into the halls of my school, my mood plunges, but as soon as i walk out, i feel like i could jump off the empire state building and still manage to live. it's a horrible but yet such a great feeling. i enjoy it. i simply want to get out of this school and move onto better things. nicer things. brighter things.

on sunday, lydia, belinda, chris, kiwi and i decided to pass time by grabbing coffee at starbucks before we went to the resting place.

i got a horrible paper cut on my thumb and i couldn't stop sucking on it.

ouch.

lydia took a couple pictures before we entered the actual room.

i absolutely loved the 2 hours i spent there.

it was such a refreshing experience after 6 months of lacking KC's infamous global prayer room.

i ran into Jennie Contreras.

one of my old camp friends from KC.

 it was so nice to see her.

i can't wait to go back.

eva eun-sil han

the first noel.

i can bring you the world in a platter and you still wouldn't believe me. i could shoot that deer and bring it home for dinner, but i know you still would never value me. i know. i could say a thousand apologies to cool down your heat, but i would never say the right one. i could name a million names as witnesses, but i will never name the right one. the things i would do to make things okay. to makes things better. to ease the ruptured lines between us. to build a bridge over the cracks and fill in the creases between the surfaces we stand on. the things i would do just to be civil towards each other. the things i would do.

leather wings.

beautiful dresses.
color coordinated.
divided by size.
she was always beautiful.
she had beautiful golden locks that fell right beneath her chest.
not a single hair misplaced.
not a single blemish found
she had pearls for teeth
skin like porcelain.
nose of a ski slope
but no one ever knew she was rotting away.
despicable
disgusting
rotting.
away.

zabyke.

things have been confusing lately. certain pieces of my life that i thought that i was sure of, are starting to come out of their places and i don't know where to put them. i cut off my main social networks just so i could spend some time in solitude. i need to think over certain things and know what i am doing and where i am going with all of this. i remember just a couple years ago, i was the loud obnoxious girl who loved being surrounded by people, but the person i am now is the exact opposite. it's those quiet moments that i cherish the most. wherever i can think in retrospect are the places where i am able to find my state of solace. it's not a bad thing. not at all. i am simply finding more comfort in the hands of solitude rather than parties, dances, get togethers, etc. i'm sure that i'll grow out of it. don't get me wrong. i still do enjoy talking to people that i'm friends with and i still go out to have fun. i'm just saying that i'm becoming more and more drawn into deeper waters. i'm still figuring myself out and i've come to realize that there is so much more to who i am than what i thought i already knew. it's frustrating and complicated, but i am more than willing to see the beauty of it all fall together. i am sure of it.

new seasons new people

and it's only tuesday..

why?

i don't understand people. why do some of them have to be so complicated? why can't people just say what is on their minds? why can't they just be honest and blunt as possible regardless of how impudent they may sound? i don't understand people who cancel out their friends without leaving a reason. not even a post-it. not even a note. no letter found. not a word. why can't people be straightforward? why do they have to be so complex? it's confusing. they all leave me perplexed.

other than that i've been doing absolutely nothing productive with my life. just the way i like it. i haven't bathed in this much laziness in a while. i am enjoying it very much. i'm spending large amounts of my time on things i actually love: painting, drawing, reading, writing, watching movies, etc. i am very much satisfied with how life is going right now. i just recently purchased a white iPhone! i am finally a member of the iPhone family. very proud indeed! i took a couple pictures with my instagram app for the past few days. here are the updates.

 

 my friend and i bought mini edy's mint chocolate chip ice-cream, made homemade tacos and guacamole! exciting and delicious. of course i had refried beans in my tacos. do not worry. i will remain a faithful vegetarian.

 i had food for life with my friend during lunch today (3/6)

outdoor heaven + country peach tea

the perfect combination

and last but not least, here are two pictures of myself and a couple pieces that i wrote and doodled on in my moleskine. enjoy, fellow stalkers.

ps. i've been obsessed with this song lately.

sleeping

i am fighting fire with fire
i am fighting heat with heat
increasing friction
i am increasing heart beats

there's a call down the street
sirens blaring
voices tearing
silence failing
to ease the hearts of the wailing

there's a distant breeze
flying by our faces
it erases and replaces
the atlas and the map
of this world
of our bodies
and everything we've ever known

there was no doubt that it was you
who took away our hope
and our freedom of choice
our voice
my voice
our decision to rejoice
there was no other
who could have been bolder
stronger
braver
it was you
only you

there is a world inside of me.

maybe it's time to stop hating and start loving. why does this always seem to happen to me? as soon as a feeling of malice comes over me, a conviction to love grips my heart. what's unfortunate is that i don't remember the last time i've loved. i can't seem to recall the last time i've told someone that i truly and passionately felt something deep for them. something that words and music cannot express. something that goes past the external and sinks deeper than the internal. i am a cold hearted cynical bitch in every sense of the word. i'm too practical and i overanalyze things way too much. i spend my days taking situations apart and trying to understand them piece by piece. even when it comes to art, i can never appreciate the work as a whole, but rather through  the small pieces that make up the big picture. i wish i could stop looking at the worst in people and start loving them for what they do best. i want to love, but it's almost as if my mind won't let me. i've turned into this manipulative heartless being and i'm afraid it's too late to turn back.

frank zumbachs

all these pieces are so interesting.

i plan to excel in photography and create masterpieces like frank zumbachs'.

see more of his work here

i gave you my all.

every now and then comes a new season. i never knew that i would fall this hard. fall so deeply into these sheets, drenched with shades of red. it was pure murder from the way i recall it. it was beautiful. how swiftly your hands went across her chest and down her stomach. dramatic and traumatic, i tell you. when tragedy and beauty collided, i found you, cupped in the hands of trouble beneath the bridge i burned. i was never the one to stay, but i stayed for you. it was your turn to catch because i fell this time.

bears.

now that my break is coming to an end, i can feel my laziness slowly sinking back into me. march is going to be by far the most difficult and arduous month. no breaks. no days off. terrible. just terrible. hannah came over today for the millionth time and we went out to take pictures. something about the lens flare in these photos strikes an emotion in me. i don't know what it is, but it feels strange. it feels good. i know it's a little late for me to say this, but something about this year, 2012, makes me feel good. something about it makes me feel secure and assured. i can't get my fingers around the reason why, but i know that i am safe.