the reason

to be quite frank, i'm frightened. i'm frightened and i don't know what's going to happen. it's been a while since i've last felt this way. i can't remember the last time i "fell in love." is that what people call it? falling in love? because it's awfully harsh to call it that way. if you fall, there's always a bottom you hit. what i'm scared of is hitting that bottom. rock bottom. what happens when you reach the end? is it all over? or is love something that never ends? a bottomless hole? that seems just as awful as the first image. everything has an end. everything has a closure. life itself has a end: death. relationships all have an end: break ups. i hate to be such a pessimistic bitch, but i can't help that i am, after all, a pessimistic bitch. the glass is always half empty. it's never half full for me. i honestly don't even know where this post is leading to. i don't even know what i'm writing about anymore. all you and i need to know is that i'm afraid. i've always kept my guards up. i've always had my walls up. i guess they're coming down one by one. i don't know what the future holds. it's unclear. foggy. that makes me feel uneasy. like my best friend said, ineffable feelings and loves are always the ones that are the sincerest. i'm not saying i'm in love, but i'm scared that it'll lead to it. trust is something i was never good with. love is something i was never good with either and it's all your fault. after those 2 years, i can barely think straight anymore. i'm glad you walked out of my life. you were horrible anyways and i'm glad i don't know where you are anymore. i'm glad, but i'm scared.

"I remember the day you left,

tying rocks to your ankles,

you said,

"I am going to find a

new world under the ocean."

I guess you must be enjoying yourself.

I haven't seen you since."

- Elizabeth Pfeffer