38

paper thin trust
strength of aluminum
you kill me
when you keep this from beating

rip down those boundaries
and take your steps down those stairs
into my arms
there’s no point in taking breaths
if you’re not here to take them away

bring home another trophy
but you know i’ll still lie awake
i’ll lie awake with a gun at my chest
someone, give me a beat
put me to sleep
because i don’t think i can stand and watch anymore
burn this home down and tell me it’s gone for good
i’ll wait outside your window
i don’t mind dying out here

37

there’s nothing but filth in this worn out body
get your hands off me
grab your knives and take me

i’m standing on pins and needles
i’m standing on the edge
come out
stop telling me to come out

i’m anxious but i let this slide by
because i need another day to live
please get your hands off me
grab your knives and wait for me 

36

i wish life would stop moving for a little while. i want to take a step back and take a break because i hate putting up the act that i'm okay. things are not okay. i am slowly drifting away. i do not exist.

35

i’m afraid to tell you
there’s not much of a difference anymore
if i choose to love someone i’m not
will you still love me all the same?

stay here and wait
watch over me
rest your head on my chest
leave me when it stops rising

i told you i’ll dig a little deeper
broken gold broken rules
i’m heading towards the flames
it’s awfully quiet here 

33

caught between she and her
there’s two ends to this rope
take it down a notch
dim the lights and see who’s still glowing
look for who’s still showing

plastic and paper hearts
aluminum thoughts
there’s not much inside this mind
but i swear i’ll get there somehow.

31

alas, a picture with the kiwi

thanks to the best friend for the cozy jacket.

she is pretty much the epitome of awesomeness.

30

sorry for not posting as often, blog. i have been so occupied with my job and the pile of college applications in my folder, which is currently staring at me while i type this entry. i must say that working at a bakery is the worst. ever. especially when you're stuck with 10 other extremely korean cultured asians. i went out to grab coffee after my shift with a friend of mine and i came home 30 minutes ago. thank God tomorrow is a half day. but then again, i have work at 3:30. oh boy..

other than that, i really do miss the best friend.

29

don’t tell me you’re here
that sun rises and you’re gone
sand slips from my hands
into your hour glass 
how long are you going to be here for tonight?
stay here next to me where there’s room
or make your run for the night
take your time
don’t forget to grab your bags
don’t forget to take your clothes
don’t forget to take this heart
cause it’s still on the floor where you left it last night
beating
pumping
there’s more to this than us
there’s more to this than lust
i feel the heat
traveling down my bones
taking its ride through my veins
there’s more inside this heart than love
you. 

28

it's official. tegan and sara are coming to new york. as you all know, their new DVD is coming out soon. instead of just selling them, tegan and sara decided to do a special release. during the week of release, Get Along will be playing on the big screen across North America! i am ecstatic about this. they will be coming to new york to do questions + answers AND watch the movie with us! how superb. i cannot believe i am seeing them. nothing will get in my way. i will cancel work. i will kill people. not really. but i will severely mutilate them.

27

i hate looking forward
nothing but fog and my faults
nothing but a man hanging on wood
stuck in a tragedy
call me out to the edge of the cliff
if you fall, i fall
you fall, i breathe
you take up the old tree, i weep
suitcases filled with mercy
i squandered them all
i wasted them all

please stay a little longer
please wait a little longer
because i’m too tired
i’m too tired to make decisions
i’m still running 

26

so i finally mustered up the courage to call the bakery (which i have been planning to call for the past..month.) and told them that i wanted to apply for a job. i made an appointment for an interview at 4 and i almost puked from being so nervous. i swear, i'm a mess when the spotlight is on me. so i got to the bakery, filled out a form that the manager gave me, and sat there for about 30 minutes with her. i told her that i was available from monday through thursday, from 3pm-8pm. she gave me the most disappointing look and asked me why i wasn't available from 3pm-11pm.............in all seriousness, is this lady crazy? need i remind her that senior year isn't all about playing. i still have a lot of work to accomplish. moreover, i have a LIFE. i told her that latest i could work was around 9. we made a compromise that on some days, i would stay until 9 and on other days, i would stay until 11. she made me so nervous and paranoid. she pursed her lips when i told her i've never made an espresso in my life before (my apologies for being a teenager who tried to maintain all of my focus on things that were more important to me during my pre-teen years than making espressos). anyhow, she told me she would call me if i got the job later on during this week, but as soon as i go home, i received a call from the bakery telling me that i got the job and that i should come in tomorrow for training. oh boy. i'm actually quite ecstatic about this job. time to learn how to make espressos!

25

they're cute, aren't they?

24

i guess today was a productive day. i took the subway by myself to union square and walked with a couple of my friends to the village and the east village. i bought a pair of stanton dr. martens in brown at no relations. boy, do i love thrift stores. i took alexa to get her tongue pierced. it was a pretty painful process to watch. despite all the annoyances, it was overall a good day.

if i had to say one thing, i'd tell you to stop being such a biter and get bent.

22

so i received permission from the parentals to go to coachella! i am beyond stoked. however, i'm not too sure yet. the tickets, hotel fee, and plane tickets are ridiculously pricey. the cost puts a frown on my face :(

listen.

Listen,
Listen,
I'm listening carefully
To where exactly you might be,
Cause I've had enough waiting.
I've had enough waiting for you.

I'm thinking,
I'm thinking,
Of growing old with someone
As beautiful as you.
Just ask me to,
Just ask me to.

I'm recalling,
Recalling
Putting on jackets way too thin,
To fight against snow way too thick.
And it coming down sideways,
And you clearing my eyes.

I've had a little too much to think.
I've had a little too much to think.
And empty rooms tend to make,
Me believe in you.
Surrounded by everything I own,
Boxed and labeled, ready to go.
Not before time, not before time.
I'm listening, I'm listening. 

21

it's finally here and after already watching half of the trailer, i am already madly in love with this dvd. i am dying for it. $50 for 3 limited edition autographed posters, DVD, 2 digital tracks, 2 digital bonus tracks from street date.

oh someone please make my wish come true. go on that site, place an order for this package, and punch in those credit card numbers.

here is the website if you want to know more!

http://www.teganandsara.com/

i love tegan and sara so much. i am their number one fan.

i will severely maim anyone who challenges my position.

18

Ania Cywińska

17

my first AP psych test ever is tomorrow and i am in no mood to study for it. starbucks and my cup of coffee did not assist me with my focus at all. so i sat there for 2 hours contemplating on life and college. very productive, no? the thought of college makes me choke. it makes me feel antsy and anxious. i've decided to do early decision for the college of new jersey. although i've always dreamed and drooled over going to school in the city, i realized that i should apply to a college that i knew i would absolutely love going to. after seeing tcnj's campus and how much of a small school it is, i felt more inclined to apply there as my first choice. it is, after all, one of the top schools for education. although my gpa is equivalent to a spoon, i do hope that they see something unique in me and accept me. oh, i'm a hopeless case :( what am i to do with my life........

When the laughter fails to comfort
When my heart aches, Lord are you there?
When confusion is all around me
And the darkness is my closest friend
Still I'll praise You
Jesus praise You

16

every time i think about that Man who gave His life up for me, i become completely undone. i am wrecked whenever i gaze upon His beauty. thinking about how much i've strayed away from this marvelous selfless Man and His love for me, i tear up. while He hangs from the cross, i'm sitting here smoking cigarettes and spitting out foul words. what the hell am i doing? what have i learned for the past 2 years? how many times does this Man have to come down to save me? how many times am i going to tell myself that i'm going to get myself together then run back to my old sins? when am i going to leave everything behind and run after Him? this isn't right and this wasn't how it was supposed to be. i'm so sick of constantly being beat up by this world and losing my grip. i'm sick of losing my Father. i'm sick of Him crying and hurting over me. what am i going to do with myself..

15

mario wagner

14.

i've been regretting a lot of things these days, but most of all, i'm regretting not going into art. i regret making the choice to give up on art because it was just "too risky". and it is risky. i'm not denying it. but art is what i love. contemporary art especially. my huge manila folder filled with my pieces lay untouched in my garage. i'm quite afraid to open it because i know i'll tear up. maybe i'll minor in art. i am after all, on my way to a school in the city. i'm sure i'll be able to appreciate many different kinds of art throughout the streets of brooklyn.

13

being back in the city felt amazing. taking the A and L down to brooklyn felt somewhat revitalizing. i feed off the city and its energy. it resuscitates me from my boring dreary life in the suburbs. sipping my coffee and taking pulls from my cigarette while sitting down by a park never felt so calming. i haven't found that much joy in acts of such simplicity in my life before.


....speaking of cigarettes, i need to stay away from them. whether they be american spirits or a plain pack of marlboro 54's, i should cut them out of my life as soon as possible.

12

beyond amazing. i love this band. i hope they perform in new york again when i go tomorrow. they are just marvelous, i tell you, marvelous.

11

had a photo shoot with a couple friends

9

change the scene
change your pace
it'll all come together
but this will always remain the same
it'll always remain the same

turn the tables
and flip the seats
point your fingers
straight at me
i know this was not what we were here for

i'm still waiting
and you're still running
i'm still wondering
and you're still fighting
take your time
oh take your time

7 - rants of the day

1. i truly hate it when people call me a hipster. i'm not saying this just to make myself appear to be even more hipster by denying the label. i'm saying this because i really do dislike it. yeah i may dress in a fashion that makes me appear to be somewhat of a hipster, but that's just the clothes i wear. don't base me on what i wear. i've worked hard to find out who i am throughout high school. i don't want all my hard work and efforts to be thrown away through these stupid stereotypes. i am who i am. stop trying to fit me into something i'm not.
2. i don't say personal things about someone unless it's something that really worries me. i would like it if people could see me through my intentions rather than my actions. like i've stated before, my intentions are rarely ever negative. i mean no harm to no one if i spill something that's personal. it's bad on my part but always know that there's a good reason behind everything that i do. and it's mostly because i care about that person.
3. i despise people who try to be something they're not. be yourself and don't change. you are beautiful the way you are.

sara is too cute when she's mad.

6

I have run away from my Lover
He used to clothe me with the finest linen
He used to set feasts before me
My lover used to tuck me into bed
I used to wake up to His voice
His arms were the first things I'd run into

My Lover was my refuge
My Lover was everything
But I have run away from my Lover
I wear a sackcloth and I weep
I am famished and I have no place to stay
I wake up to nothing but the sound of my sobs
I have run away from my Lover
And I have to find my way back

5

and so the mood swings and compulsive eating begins. must be my time of the month. what a thriller.

4

i know people use that same old cliche line that they don't care if people talk crap and that they actually love people making them "famous" but in all honesty, i really do enjoy the attention people give me when they talk behind my back. call me a masochist but that stab on the back feels good. it feels amazing to know that i'm giving them something to talk about. call me narcissistic but it feels even better to know that they're jealous of me. i feel absolutely taken aback and flattered to know that i'm worth a minute or two of their precious short-lived lives.

needs.

1. new pants
2. patterned cardigans
3. simple cardigans
4. gray and white striped vneck from american apparel
5. new leather jacket
6. storm jacket
7. laced dress from urbanoutfitters
8. oxfords
9. red converses (high tops s'il vous plait)

3

bring wholeness to this, you can't.
find a way around this, you won't.
make yourself the victim
susceptible to all my words
you call the shots

maybe we should take a step back and rearrange this all over again
don't force the pieces in
stop finding a way to make it all fit
because it won't
because it's different this time

paint another story over the broken bricks
while i sleep next to emptiness
hollow me out
rip me into pieces
you know i'll find a way back
you know we'll find a way back
to nothing

2

i hear my AP Literature assignment calling my name. oh and look, a pile of papers to write in front of me.

i'm going to watch t.v.

favorite

1.

from what i hear from people, i apparently come off as a person who has an unfriendly disposition. to be quite honest, i'm offended. despite the fact that i do tend to dislike some people, my intentions are rarely ever negative towards anyone else. i do try to be nice and polite as possible. yeah i'm quick to see how a person presents themselves when i first meet them, but who isn't? believe it or not, first impressions are bound to happen, but whether you choose to judge the person through those impressions is different.

i'd prefer it if people would stop judging me through rumors and their encounters with me. get to know me yourselves.