green leaf.

tomorrow is the big day. my phone will vibrate at 4:00pm and i will pick it up. i will press that green button and i will respond with a quiet "hello?" then the interview will begin. i will pace back and forth across the house, from the living room to the kitchen. fingers crossed that i will get into wheaton.

other than that, the weight has finally been lifted off my shoulders. i am officially done with midterms..until freshmen year of college hits. i feel so free. i am listening to happy music. i am happy :)

and a treat for you?

a picture of my messy room and me.

i should really get to the vacuum asap.

knowing.

i think about it often actually. from time to time, i wonder what would have happened if we just took a step back and let this all unfold. pushing and forcing the pieces to come together was never my idea. you put it in there. you put it in my head. i was a prisoner. i was a slave. every limb was chained to your body. dragged down the road, i ate gravel and the cement left scars that never healed. i bled and i shed more skin than you could ever imagine. but what's it to you anyways? in the end, you're the one who made it. my heart and lungs spilled onto the side of this damn highway. who did i think i was? who was i?

we uncurl and unwind.

another day, gone. it's the toughest when you fight with a family member. a mixture of hate, resentment, anger, but at the same time, love comes over you and you can't help but cry because you don't know what to say. you don't know if you should just give up and tell them you don't want to fight or if you should throw every object at their face, only hoping that they wouldn't see your tears. either way, it's painful, but i guess i bottle it up. i'm scared that one day, someone will rip off the cork and i'll explode.

other than that, today was an okay day. i spent the whole day at barnes and noble studying for my chemistry midterms. such a pain. in the end, i guess it was somewhat worth the nine hours i spent bursting my brain with formulas because i rewarded myself with a beautiful book that i've been meaning to purchase: breakfast of champions by kurt vonnegut. i am now sitting in front of my macbook pro with my cup of tea. the remaining pages of the book are begging to be read and i will answer to their call. so long.

my only friend.

lay back.

honey citron tea on a white day.

my flickr

i look awfully manly in these pictures.

it's time to grow my hair out.

 cold cold cold. i am pretty sure that today's weather was by far the coldest. parents went out, so out of my boredom, i invited AJ over. we surfed through the wonders of youtube and went out for coffee. 2012 feels like it's going to be like every other year, but i know it won't be. this year is when everything will change. i will be off to college in a couple months and i will be on my own for the rest of my life. it's all still so blurry to me. so surreal. i can't get the fact that i am growing up to go down my throat. the more i think about all the times i had in high school, the more difficult it's becoming for me to be able to pack my bags and move on. i was never a fan of changes. change ruins everything.

bought my brother these kicks. i'm determining if i should buy the same pair or buy the red high tops? i am in a desperate need of new chuck taylors.

for your eardrums to enjoy.

i will never get sick of this beautiful man.

85

i know where i am going. i've been unsure with what i want these days. whether it be college, boys, friends, etc., i don't think i was fully aware of where i was going or what i was going for, but i am now. things have been hectic and they still are, but i am all right.

other than that, things have been a little shaky these days. death is waiting for me in two weeks. midterms. chemistry being the very first one. i seem calm at the moment, but wait until the last day before the actual midterm; i will definitely be panicking.

84

ask me about how i am and i will tell you that i am well. ask me for my name and i will tell you it. ask her for her name and i will tell you it. she sits at the back of my mind, waiting patiently to come out when i need her. emily. they call her emily. she calls herself emily, but i call myself jamie. she keeps me company when things get too quiet. when things get too silent. these yellow pills keep her away so i keep them away because i want her to stay close. ask me how i am and i will tell you that i am well. indeed, i am well. she is well. all is well.

poisonous.

maybe i am just not fit for love. i am not fit to love and be loved. i have tried to feel but i can't. i've tried to see but i can't. what makes me so different from the rest of them? why can't i feel what they feel? pin by pin. razor by razor. piece by piece. he has undone me. they tore me apart and ripped open my chest. cannibals, i tell you. he has murder on his lips. he grinds my skin with his teeth. i will never love again. i will never be loved again. poisonous. i am not all right.

82

new york new york new york. the beauties of my second home never cease to stun me. the smell of food and the array of culture make my legs weak. i am so in love with every single thing about it. i know i will end up there somehow. it is fate and everyone knows that fate will always get its way.

81

a time to embrace.

plastic.

and there is no way of escaping it. no way of escaping any of my fears. they're knocking and screaming. when they walk in, they won't like what they see. when they break down the walls, they won't like what they see. i've locked every door. i've thrown out every key. but they will kick them down. they will kick them down, march straight to the center, and stare. they will stare and they will see me. naked. trembling. they will break down my walls. they won't like what they see. they won't like me.

messed up on the coloring

i created a small piece out of my anger towards certain people

off to bed i go.

the exciting subject of chemistry calls my name at 7:45AM

farewell, world.

heights.

sometimes, i want to fall. i want to fall from the highest building on earth. just for the thrill of it. just for the fear of it. i wonder how long it would take for me to hit the cold hard cement. i wonder how long it would take for my blood to rush in and out and out and out and paint the pavement. i want to feel the wind embracing me. i want to hear it whispering in my ear. i want it to play with my hair and caress my body as i fall faster and faster. until i hit the floor. put that white sheet over me. put it over me for good.

80

i'm a heart breaker. in my living room, there is a glass jar. it's filled with them. filled with hearts. some hearts are broken. some are hollow. few of them have cracks. and others are completely shattered. once i gain a heart, i take mine back and i break the one i receive. it's hard for me to love someone for a long time. it's hard for me to like someone for a long time. i want to know how to love and i want to know what it feels like to be loved, but i know i never will. the glass jar will some day overflow and i know it. it'll overflow and i'll drown. i'll bathe in the pool of broken hearts. i'll swim out to the ocean and drown myself in my loneliness. i wish i could love and be loved. i'll drown myself. there is a glass jar.

edgar ende