new years.

2011 consisted of nothing but hard work, sweat, and blood. it was a year of harvesting and investing my sweet time into SATs and college applications. i've accomplished so many things throughout this year and it's feels bittersweet to leave it all behind. knowing that in 2012 i'll be entering the new and unknown grounds of college makes me wonder if it'll be just as hard as this year was. nonetheless, i'm looking forward to the many blessings and tribulations that are to come over me this year. i fully believe that the trials that i am facing right now and the trials that i will face in the year of 2012 will help me mature spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. i've composed a list of my new year's resolutions. here they are:

1. start spending more time with God and less time with the world and its secular things.
2. love Jesus and i mean actually love Him with all of your heart.
3. study hard. recover from senioritis asap!!
4. write more. draw more. paint more. do more than just facebook, blogspot, twitter, etc.
5. eat healthy. don't binge on fast food too much.
6. stay optimistic about everything.
7. stop worrying.

79

well hello again. it's been too long. after coming back from the retreat, i realized the insane amount of work that's been sitting on my desk for the past week now. AP Psychology chapter test, 4 college applications, AP Literature project, etc. and i thought senior year would be a breeze. if anything, i'm glad to say that i've grown so much spiritually over the 4 days that i spent at the retreat. it feels great to know that God is still deeply and so passionately in love with me and who i am becoming.

nevertheless, AJ bought me a ramones tshirt for christmas!

although it's a bit big on me, i am in love with it.

i hope you all enjoyed the holidays.

looking forward to new years!

countdown: 2 days.

All the people answered, “His blood is on us and on our children!”

His blood is on me.

78

i've come to realize how distrustful i am. i feel like i can't confide in anyone after him. i feel like everyone just screws me over in the end. is it wrong to say that people should work for my trust and that i don't give it out as freely as i used to? i know it's so cliche to say that i can't trust anyone as easily anymore, but is it still cliche if i really mean it?

and i am home

it was easy running away from Him.
i simply just left.
freedom, at last.
i thought.
but i was wrong.
heart wrenching.
heart broken.
heart breaking.
that was Him.
indulging myself in cancerous habits,
dangerous habits.
lethal, i tell you.
but i came around.
His love is something that i can never avoid.
the taste of His love is incomparable
i came around
and He was waiting
all this time, waiting.
heart broken, but waiting.
i came around
and i am home

eva eun-sil han

something about her artwork brings out a sense of darkness.

brilliant.

pure brilliance

see more of her artwork here

ho ho ho.

and another christmas well spent. with the failing economy and the awful weather, i can't say that all of us had much christmas spirit, but i'm happy to say that i rather enjoyed my christmas just as much as i did last year or the year before. with all these college apps piled on my back, i haven't been able to write, paint, or read as much these days. on top of that, i'm going away for 4 days to a church retreat. my sincerest apologies. i am looking forward to amazing nights of worship and intimate hours spent with the Lord.

and my christmas gift to you?

a little jam for your eardrums to enjoy and another glorious picture of me.

this time in a rutgers sweatshirt that kiwi bought for me.

merry christmas.

i hope you all enjoy the rest of your night.

i know i will.

77

There is always something left to love. And if you haven't learned that, then you've learned nothing. Have you cried for that boy today? I don't mean for yourself and for the family because we lost the money. I mean for him: what he's been through and what they've done to him. Child, when do you think is the time to love somebody the most? When they've done good and made things easy for everybody? Well then, you're not through with learning - because that isn't the time at all. It's when he's at his lowest and can't believe in himself because the world has whipped him. When you start measuring somebody, measure him right, child, measure him right. Make sure you've taken into account what hills and valleys he's come through before he got to wherever he is.

76

stop eating. you look hideous in that red dress of yours. not even black can cover those curves. you look best when we can only see your bones. you look best when your skin is deteriorating and your cheek bones start to show. stop eating salads. stop eating whole wheat. consume oxygen and oxygen only. stop eating. your skeleton is the most beautiful thing about you. stop eating.

74

mom decided to take pictures of me putting on my shoes this morning.

i must admit that for a person who feels half dead at 7AM, i don't look too shabby.

candid

surprise

and hello!

what have i been reading?

as you all may know, i read like there is no tomorrow. i recently finished sex, drugs, and cocoa puffs by chuck klosterman and i absolutely loved it. his critiques are ridiculously insane. he is insane and i am insane, therefore, we click. i feel like i should put up a small list that i have composed during the past hour that should've been spent studying for my AP psych test tomorrow. every book in this list is a book that i have either already read or look forward to reading.

1. sex, drugs, and cocoa puffs - chuck klosterman.
2. paying for it - chester brown
3. oblivion - david foster wallace
4. the perks of being a wallflower - stephen chbosky
5. sometimes my heart pushes my ribs - ellen kennedy
6. breakfast of champions - kurt vonnegut

enjoy, my fellow blogspot stalkers. i shall update again later tonight or tomorrow. 

73

love isn't real. momma taught me that when i was younger. why do we confide in things that never guarantee us a happy ending? why do we put our faith in things that always end up hurting us? i don't. "don't you doggone trust that man of yours, you hear me? he'll do nothing good. he'll hurt you and then leave you for some other woman. don't you dare trust him." yes, momma. no man of mine will ever gain my trust. i will never trust anyone. momma knows best. she keeps my heart safe. she knows best.

72

erica baj

see more of her artwork here

she is so talented. you will not regret going through her flickr.

71

MACBOOK PRO!!

finally. i went to run some errands with the father shin yesterday. i picked up my mother's xmas present, a couple presents for my secret santa, this beautiful macbook, my mother's iPhone, and new guitar strings. it feels good to say that i am a proud owner of a macbook pro. i always dream of having one in my hands but i never quite thought that the dream would come true nor would i have ever guessed that the thought having my own macbook would actually be tangible. my best friend and i have a problem with naming every single electronic device we own. it's ridiculous, but i still haven't come up with a name for this baby yet. i can't wait to fill this macbook up with endless amounts of poems, literature, music, and essays. i will make my home in it. i am ecstatic.

i also found a new art blog.

http://www.mavericksalamode.com/2011_08_01_archive.html

follow!

because i am in such a good mood,

here is a picture of my slightly tilted face and my ugly collarbone sticking out.

enjoy the nice view of my refrigerator.

you deserve it.

70

it's 1:27AM and i have school in about 6 hours. i can't get myself to sleep. i've been staying up, sipping my coffee, and writing in my moleskine. i feel like i haven't been very productive lately. these past few weeks have consisted of nothing but tea, coffee, writing, painting, drawing, and contemplating over the immense amount of college essays and school work i have to finish, in any other words, these past few weeks have consisted of nothing but complete laziness. i guess i'm planning to shake it off of me sometime soon. i'm considering the option to switch my major before i actually get into college. as a teenager, being capricious is in my nature. i've switched my major about 3 times throughout my high school career. (from art to journalism to secondary education english) but now, i'm considering going to back to journalism or at least minoring in it. things have been shaky. maybe i should stick to the whole teacher-who-loves-english thing. i've never been consistent in anything. i think i might be going to barnes and noble tomorrow to get some of my work done for once. i guess i should get to bed now. good night, world. i love you all.

69

68

it's not much like christmas without you. i don't understand why you would do that. why would you hurt them like that? why would you do that to us? put a knife to my throat and i promise you that i still will never admit it. i did horrible things. horrible. but i still loved you throughout it all. we had our fights. i took your scissors and cut off my hair. i took your razor and drew your favorite streets. straight and down my arms. you told me you loved me all the same, no matter how deep my insanity took me. i'm crazy but you knew that i was fighting it. it's sick, our love. but we had it all. emily, you know we had it all. we still do.

67

herbert bayer

66

putting up christmas decorations.
enjoy my candy cane headband.

i try my best to have holiday spirit.

65

it has finally happened. my tumblr and my facebook are both gone from my life. i have nothing but my twitter, email, and this beautiful blog. i hold these three close to my heart. afterall, they are what connects me to the rest of society. not much has been going on. after being rejected by my early decision college, i've discovered another college: wheaton college, IL. i feel like i've been applying to colleges based on their well-known names and prestigious education programs. i haven't been looking for colleges based on how well i would fit in as a person. i believe that's where i went wrong. wheaton college suits me so well. personality and academics. it's a win win situation, however, it's a hard school to get into. i'm uneasy about my chances of being admitted. nevertheless, i'm praying consistently for my acceptance letter and i am going to try my best to get in. somehow. other than that, my plans for winter break have been set. it will consist of college applications, reading, and painting. maybe i'll throw in a time for my second home: new york city. the best friend is no longer coming to visit anymore. that puts a frown on my face :( i miss her so much. hopefully, things will work out and i will have my acceptance letter and be able to see my best friend as well. fingers crossed as always.

what i've been listening to while painting these days.

marvelous. simply marvelous.

Maria Aparicio

beautiful edits of photographs.

see more of her art work on her flickr

http://www.flickr.com/photos/remaria/

Martine Johanna

tcnj = rejection
montclair = rejection
rutgers =
pace =
rowan =
penn state =
northeastern =
wheaton (IL) =
wheaton (MA) =
emerson =

the funny thing is i am okay. i'm okay with being unwanted. i was always good at being okay with it. one door closes. more open. optimism was never my thing. i am not optimistic. i am careless. i just don't care. i guess it's not a positive attitude, but it is definitely not negative either. careless. reckless. i have always been how i am. i think i'm going to be all right, but then again, i am always feeding myself with lies. i shit them out and i run on an empty stomach. i wish things could work out for me as easily as they do for others.

been listening to this a lot lately.

it helps me get into the mood to write.

although, i am a little iffy about the dramatic part in the middle.
but it does give a nice effect to the softer notes that come afterwards.

like the quiet and peacefulness after a storm.
beautiful piece of music.
absolutely beautiful.

64

the morning is when she lingers. it’s before the world wants anything from her and that’s when she’s most beautiful. it’s true that not many saw her like that but i can’t say i was the only one. even though we each have our own beginnings, mornings like this were shared between us all.

she used to tell people that it was like the world was drawn with a dull piece of charcoal. that was before me. now she sees things my way, it makes a little more sense. this is me. if i’m meant for anything, it’s to show her the world. is that so bad? the quiet morning like the many before it, calm and comfortable, but comfort can be terribly blinding. the difference with this particular morning is in a call. she smiles, for who? i can’t see anymore.

63

i have always loved gravity. the beauty of gravity fascinated me when i was little. the way my ball used to always come back to me no matter how high i threw it above me. when bullies at my school threw my hat that my grandma knit for me, it never went anywhere. it always fell on the ground because gravity allowed it to. gravity and i have been close friends since. the promise that it assured me with is a promise i'll never forget. the promise that things will always fall and come back to you no matter how hard you throw it away. everything and everyone in this world is subject to gravity. that comforts me. gravity. such an underrated beautiful thing, it is.

61

people always told me that i'm living in my own world. they've told me to snap out of it, but i never could seem to do so. it's not that i'm crazy, no. i am not crazy at all, but everyone else seems to think so. reality and i never had a good relationship. reality was never my kind of partner. i like to call myself a dreamer. my dreams and i built a home together. we've touched each other. we've walked down roads paved with emeralds and jasper. ate golden pears and thought clear thoughts. watched frozen clocks and opened presents. my dreams and i were infatuated with each other. they can strap me to this plastic bed in this hospital and shove these pills down my throat, but i will always be with my dreams. reality has no place within me. i will sew my dreams to my wrists and i will wear the necklace my dreams gave me around my neck. i will wear this noose around my neck. i will wear it faithfully.

60

snow

falling everywhere

on the floor

on the desk

in skinny lines

just like the army

marching straight up my nose

to my brain

and in my body,

there is snow

falling everywhere

59

it seems like everybody's praying for me these days. is there something going wrong? is something horrible going to happen? people keep telling me "God's been putting you on my mind these days. hope all is well, jamie." have i strayed that far? have i gone too far?

58

and she kept eating her life away. she ate her stress away. bad grades? eat it away. parents fighting? stuff a couple bags of chips. dog died? shove a sandwich down your throat. boyfriend broke up with you? swallow that  whole tub of ice cream. more friend problems? keep eating. and she ate and she ate and ate and ate until she couldn't eat anymore. she then lied there on her bed. she felt all of it come back up. up her stomach, past her esophagus, and right out of her mouth. she puked all over the place. she kept puking and puking until nothing but water came out. she couldn't breathe but she couldn't stop. she lied there on her bed and died.

taking a peak.

i couldn't help but to take a sneak peek at my christmas present from my mother. they are absolutely beautiful. oh and here's a picture of my beautiful hair. ha.

57

it's funny how when you're young and just born, your parents put so much faith in you. they encourage you and tell you that you are the best thing that has ever happened to them. when you fall, they help you back up. when you make a mistake, they understand you. they buy you ice cream and take you out for the night. it's different when you're older. if you fail, they throw up words that can cut glass, right through your heart. they tell you that there are people better than you and that your friend who sits next to you in math class is just as good as you are. they don't treat you like their trophy anymore. you have to start proving your worth. i don't want to stay young because i want to live life to the fullest. i don't want to stay young just so that i can be irresponsible and carefree. not because i want to go out and party all night long knowing that someone's still paying for rent, gas, and electricity. being young means that someone will always be there caring for you. whether it be your parents, friends, etc. when you're young, you're worth something and you don't even have to prove it. as you get older, people tear you apart. your parents, friends, family, school, church, etc. they tear everything down and leave nothing left. i can't say that i'm afraid to grow older but at the same time, i can't say that i'm looking forward to it. i wish someone still had faith in me.

TCNJ

college dilemma.
where is my letter of acceptance?
or should i say my letter of rejection?

TCNJ is everything i have ever hoped and dreamed for. this has to work out. this has to.

56

see, the thing about love is that it either makes you or breaks you. you can come out with a broken heart. you can come out with a happy family, a house, future vacation plans, and a nice dog. i see people fall in love with love. but love was never my thing. love was never attracted to me. my friends all had girlfriends or boyfriends, but i was always alone. i have always liked being alone. it's like being the only person in a theater. you get to have the perfect view. you get to choose your seat and watch love break other people. you get to watch daddy take his knife and cut open mom. you get to watch your brother hang from the ceiling. you get to watch glass shatter across the floor. you get to watch everything. there's nothing bad about not having any love. there's nothing bad about being alone. there's nothing bad about it at all.

55

i know my father loves me. he would never hurt me. my father loves me with everything he has. he would never hit me unless he had a reason to. if i break a dish, two blows to the face. if i sit on the sofa and watch television before finishing my homework, four blows to the face and a kick in the ribs. my father loves me. he's a man of reason. i've felt his cool hands on me. sometimes, he wakes me up at night. mother's never home. i'm sure if i endure one night, i'll start getting used to his habit. some of you might think he's a freak. others would probably want to arrest him. but i won't let you. i won't because i know my father loves me. he does. i promise you.

54

might be seeing these two beauties on february 19th
we hit turbulence.

53

there was never much about her. nobody ever knew why she did the things she did. why she always arranged her pencils in color coordination or why she always neatly pinned back her hair in the same exact position every single goddamn day. nobody knew why she decided to make the decision that night. i never knew her well enough. no one did. she always kept to herself. nobody cared. nobody ever knew. from time to time, i wonder if that was the reason why. it doesn’t take long to realize that nobody gives a shit about you. when the world stops caring, you stop caring. everyone found her. her limp body hovering 4 feet from the ground. her veins in shades of violet and blue from her neck down. nobody ever knew why she did what she did. nobody ever cared. nobody ever did.

52

they say beauty is skin deep, so i dug for it. i cut open every vein, in search of colors and wonders. i've always longed for beauty. like those girls on runways. their sleek slender legs and perfect tan face. i wanted it. i wanted it all. i examined every piece of flesh and felt every bone within me. some say that beauty is something that will always be found. others say we all die trying to find it. beauty flooded my bathtub that night in every shade of red. you should have seen the look on my father's face. i was finally everything that i ever hoped to be: beautiful.

51

there's something about being underwater that i love so much. it's the closest i get to death. thirty seconds deep and i come back up. sometimes, i wonder how much longer i have to spend to cut off all oxygen. i wonder how easy it is for my lungs to collapse. i rarely ever had a reason to come up. i never had a reason until a certain day. my father was calling my name, waiting at the edge of the pool. i was underwater. shaking. waiting for the rush of water to fill my lungs. "Jamie.. Jamie. Jamie." i looked up to see a blurry yet clear smile. i went up and took in a deep breath. i looked at my dad and smiled. i rarely ever had a reason to come up. i never had a reason until a certain day. my father was calling my name, waiting at the edge of the pool. i came up. it's always good to come up. it's always good to have a reason.

50

i woke up to find a ball of yarn at the side of my bed. unraveling, it rolled over towards the other side of the room. it rolled over to a door that was never there before. my curiosity was piqued as i walked over to open it and when i opened it, i saw beauty for the first time. they say heaven is a majestic place. people say it's where happiness dwells. fields of crisp brown wheat next to roads paved with gold and the end of the road, two thrones. all hail the Lion and the Lamb! praise the One who paid the price of our sins. i shut the door. i shut the door and i glanced at the noose above me. how strange it is to see a noose made of yarn. i glanced and i went back to bed.

49

i wish i could tell you how it all started. we were alone. i was on one end of the room, fully clothed. she was on the other, completely naked. i was wearing an ugly sweater, skinny jeans, glasses, and a pair of black dr. martens. she was wearing nothing. nothing but a necklace with a golden cross. i could see her panting. i could feel her veins pulsating, as if they were my own. she looked just like me. the same round eyes, button nose, pink lips. her hair was long. mine was short. she looked up at me. her eyes glowed and the light in them pierced mine. the light took it's ride down my body through every bone and muscle. in that moment, i felt peace. i felt joy and i felt hope. she looked at me again and said, "don't forget me." i woke up. i woke up to nothing but silence and darkness. it was 3:34AM and i swore that i would never forget her.

48

"I am gay."

there. she said it. oxygen wasn't necessary during those 10 seconds of silence. but silence was all she needed at that moment. she looked up and took a glance at her mother's face, then her father's. regret is a devastating thing, i tell you. once it hits, it hits hard. the father is enraged. the mother breaks down crying. "But...honey, what about Jesus?" Jesus. her Father, her Savior, the person who was and has been the very foundation of her whole entire life. what would He think of her? "Straight to your bedroom. Now." no, father. straight to hell. i am going to hell.

pills.

ten pills. they lie at my bed side. at night, they reach for me. in the morning, they call for me. i pick at them. i lay them out in front of my lamp stand. i make sure there is exactly one inch between each and every one. perfection. it has always been something that i have run endlessly for. obsessive, no. i am not obsessive at all. just perfect. i am perfect.

47

death. i never thought i’d come face to face with it. i never thought i’d come to terms with it either. it was always something that was just distant, out of my sight. strength. i had a hell lot of it. i was never weak, no. always protecting mother while walking home late at night with groceries. fending for the brother when he got into quarrels with his friends. i was always the line leader in class. i was always the one comforting, never the one crying. it feels strange, you know? once you find out that people around you are dying. some say they’ve passed away. others say that their hearts stopped beating, but i think death stole them. he took them away. they weren’t strong enough. they couldn’t fight back because they were weak. it’s pitiful to watch them lay there in their coffins. it’s pitiful to know that you’ll have nothing to do but watch your friends and families gawk at you. if death ever took me, if i ever lost to him, i’d want my coffin to be closed. i would never let them see me dead. i would never let them see me weak. never in a million years.

don’t ever let them see me dead, daddy.

46

i promise that i'll stay strong this time
wind up this heart and i'll try to keep this heart beating
emily, i keep you far from me because
everything i keep at my reach runs away

don't stray too far though
keep close to me
but keep your distance
this heart's made of metal
i swore to you that i'd never break
paint my body and place me on those wings
take me beneath those layers

45

it feels like i can't confide in anyone anymore. every time i lay down and think about everything that's going on, i break down because i am truthfully and honestly frightened of the person i have become. i am losing everything and everyone. words cannot explain the variety of emotions that i feel every single goddamned day. where am i going?