a letter

luring. she was radiating. radiation of some kind. like poison. like venom to the throat. a killer. she was a killer. a python. a rattlesnake positioned to bring death. we were dangerous. we had so much to say and so much to feel, yet so frightened. so nervous. so tense. emily, if i could bottle up the angst and send it to you, i would. but i'm afraid there's no bottle to this size, darling. the sea can only carry so much. i'd send a ship out to wherever you went and i would never be able to find you. i could send a million scuba divers, but our hearts will never be found underneath the blues of this ocean. they were dark times. we were in dark times when we met. time and time again, i think of you and i wonder if we ever could have been what we wanted to be. we would've been what we could've been only if we tried. only if we allowed ourselves to, but we didn't. so we weren't. we never became the thing that we longed so much for and i'm sorry. i'm sorry for kicking you out again but the timing wasn't right. we weren't right.

birthday gallery

skin on skin. the sound of bodies collapsing. this presence has come over me and i'm miles away from doubting it's you. i feel you down to the core of my bones. down to the marrows. the way our limbs are always entangled in the right angles. the enticement of your mouth on my neckline and my lips exploring new grounds of your jawline. all so beautiful. purely and simply beautiful.

kenny choi, i want to marry your voice.

my violent delight

all stars could be brighter

all hearts could be warmer

impartial

so much
to say
but not enough to mean
so much
to hear
but never enough to listen
so much
to touch
but too far to feel
so much
too much
far too much

"Toss, but try not to turn. The "I love you" still fogs up and I wanna smash the glass."

on the safest ledge

trust. that's all i need from a person. if i can't have trust, then i can't have anything to do with you. these little things, i notice them all. i worry over them. i overanalyze them. that's how i am. i defeat my emotions with my logic. i am practical. i am meticulous. i look at every detail and pick out the fabrications stitched within them. it's the commitment i need. your commitment. i need to be able to know that your eyes are only set on me and for me. i need your discernment. i need you to be able to know what's right and what's wrong. what gets me angry and what makes me happy. what makes me cry and what makes me laugh. i need you to be aware of me. be aware of everything that i am and feel.

brightest

the more i think about what had happened, the more i realize how much of an impact you've had on my life. your footsteps paved roads across my heart. they paved highways and built homes within me. several different ones. a home for the abuse. a home for our love. a home for our brokenness. and a home for the moments filled with genuine bliss that we shared so carefully. i don't think my perspective on relationships have or will ever change after us. yes, us. you and i, handsome. it's been three years and i still can't get myself to accept the fact that i let love take its steps down my heart. i can't get myself to accept the fact that you took your steps down my heart. i hope your breaths are full and filled with life now that i'm not here to take them away. i hope you're doing well. i hope to God you're doing well.

"If you find yourself here on my side of town

I'd pray that you'd come to my door

Talk to me like you don't know what we ever fought about

Cause I don't remember anymore

I just know that she warms my heart

And knows what all my imperfections are

And she said that I was the brightest little firefly in her jar"

the loser and i

we spent a wonderful day at my house

she's not that cute.

this is how i tie my hair before i go to bed so i don't find armies of pimples camping out on my forehead the next morning.

just thought i'd share that.

farewell.

stepping stones

they are called fortresses. i build them. i build them around my heart. around my head. around my mind. my versatility intrigues me. how easily i am able to slip into those creases. how swiftly i can change according to the outlines they give me. i am a shape shifter. night dweller. heart sweeper. deliriously enchanting. to the mouth and to the mind. no one can ever hope to see who i really am. no one can ever rely on my will to stay. i am here today and gone tomorrow. what rushes through my mind, goes through my mind. like speeding cars down a racetrack. but grace amazing takes its rush down my field. it takes its run down my yard. and it helps me to breathe. it helps my roots take their grip. and because of its presence, because of its love, because of the freedom it assures me with, i am here to stay. indeed, i am here to stay for good. even until tomorrow.

all delighted people

i don't think i realized the extent of how severe a case of senioritis can get. my life feels so dull. i feel lazy, lifeless, and mentally inept when it comes to school and the work it gives. as soon as i step into the halls of my school, my mood plunges, but as soon as i walk out, i feel like i could jump off the empire state building and still manage to live. it's a horrible but yet such a great feeling. i enjoy it. i simply want to get out of this school and move onto better things. nicer things. brighter things.

on sunday, lydia, belinda, chris, kiwi and i decided to pass time by grabbing coffee at starbucks before we went to the resting place.

i got a horrible paper cut on my thumb and i couldn't stop sucking on it.

ouch.

lydia took a couple pictures before we entered the actual room.

i absolutely loved the 2 hours i spent there.

it was such a refreshing experience after 6 months of lacking KC's infamous global prayer room.

i ran into Jennie Contreras.

one of my old camp friends from KC.

 it was so nice to see her.

i can't wait to go back.

eva eun-sil han

the first noel.

i can bring you the world in a platter and you still wouldn't believe me. i could shoot that deer and bring it home for dinner, but i know you still would never value me. i know. i could say a thousand apologies to cool down your heat, but i would never say the right one. i could name a million names as witnesses, but i will never name the right one. the things i would do to make things okay. to makes things better. to ease the ruptured lines between us. to build a bridge over the cracks and fill in the creases between the surfaces we stand on. the things i would do just to be civil towards each other. the things i would do.

leather wings.

beautiful dresses.
color coordinated.
divided by size.
she was always beautiful.
she had beautiful golden locks that fell right beneath her chest.
not a single hair misplaced.
not a single blemish found
she had pearls for teeth
skin like porcelain.
nose of a ski slope
but no one ever knew she was rotting away.
despicable
disgusting
rotting.
away.

zabyke.

things have been confusing lately. certain pieces of my life that i thought that i was sure of, are starting to come out of their places and i don't know where to put them. i cut off my main social networks just so i could spend some time in solitude. i need to think over certain things and know what i am doing and where i am going with all of this. i remember just a couple years ago, i was the loud obnoxious girl who loved being surrounded by people, but the person i am now is the exact opposite. it's those quiet moments that i cherish the most. wherever i can think in retrospect are the places where i am able to find my state of solace. it's not a bad thing. not at all. i am simply finding more comfort in the hands of solitude rather than parties, dances, get togethers, etc. i'm sure that i'll grow out of it. don't get me wrong. i still do enjoy talking to people that i'm friends with and i still go out to have fun. i'm just saying that i'm becoming more and more drawn into deeper waters. i'm still figuring myself out and i've come to realize that there is so much more to who i am than what i thought i already knew. it's frustrating and complicated, but i am more than willing to see the beauty of it all fall together. i am sure of it.

new seasons new people

and it's only tuesday..

why?

i don't understand people. why do some of them have to be so complicated? why can't people just say what is on their minds? why can't they just be honest and blunt as possible regardless of how impudent they may sound? i don't understand people who cancel out their friends without leaving a reason. not even a post-it. not even a note. no letter found. not a word. why can't people be straightforward? why do they have to be so complex? it's confusing. they all leave me perplexed.

other than that i've been doing absolutely nothing productive with my life. just the way i like it. i haven't bathed in this much laziness in a while. i am enjoying it very much. i'm spending large amounts of my time on things i actually love: painting, drawing, reading, writing, watching movies, etc. i am very much satisfied with how life is going right now. i just recently purchased a white iPhone! i am finally a member of the iPhone family. very proud indeed! i took a couple pictures with my instagram app for the past few days. here are the updates.

 

 my friend and i bought mini edy's mint chocolate chip ice-cream, made homemade tacos and guacamole! exciting and delicious. of course i had refried beans in my tacos. do not worry. i will remain a faithful vegetarian.

 i had food for life with my friend during lunch today (3/6)

outdoor heaven + country peach tea

the perfect combination

and last but not least, here are two pictures of myself and a couple pieces that i wrote and doodled on in my moleskine. enjoy, fellow stalkers.

ps. i've been obsessed with this song lately.

sleeping

i am fighting fire with fire
i am fighting heat with heat
increasing friction
i am increasing heart beats

there's a call down the street
sirens blaring
voices tearing
silence failing
to ease the hearts of the wailing

there's a distant breeze
flying by our faces
it erases and replaces
the atlas and the map
of this world
of our bodies
and everything we've ever known

there was no doubt that it was you
who took away our hope
and our freedom of choice
our voice
my voice
our decision to rejoice
there was no other
who could have been bolder
stronger
braver
it was you
only you

there is a world inside of me.

maybe it's time to stop hating and start loving. why does this always seem to happen to me? as soon as a feeling of malice comes over me, a conviction to love grips my heart. what's unfortunate is that i don't remember the last time i've loved. i can't seem to recall the last time i've told someone that i truly and passionately felt something deep for them. something that words and music cannot express. something that goes past the external and sinks deeper than the internal. i am a cold hearted cynical bitch in every sense of the word. i'm too practical and i overanalyze things way too much. i spend my days taking situations apart and trying to understand them piece by piece. even when it comes to art, i can never appreciate the work as a whole, but rather through  the small pieces that make up the big picture. i wish i could stop looking at the worst in people and start loving them for what they do best. i want to love, but it's almost as if my mind won't let me. i've turned into this manipulative heartless being and i'm afraid it's too late to turn back.

frank zumbachs

all these pieces are so interesting.

i plan to excel in photography and create masterpieces like frank zumbachs'.

see more of his work here