cardiac things

maybe if i weren't so submissive towards the influences they throw upon me, things would unfold with much more ease. they would unfold smoothly over the rocky terrains i try so hard to walk down. their points wouldn't pierce my feet all the time. their points wouldn't pierce my heart all the time. maybe if these sporadic changes were to glide by without abrupt interstices, my mind wouldn't be so cluttered with all these things that i should be ever so indifferent towards. it's not fair. i find it hard to be impartial. i find it hard to not cry, shake, and worry over this. i find it hard to remain tranquil and doubtless. i find it hard to trust the words that you type so effortlessly onto that screen even though in your heart, i know you're engraving them as promises. its difficult and i give you my word that i am trying my best to live through this open heart surgery. i feel you probing my heart and i swear i felt you digging into the deep dark places that i nailed shut years ago. but that is alright with me. because i am trusting you. i am trusting these engravings.

i miss the best friend